


If I Said I'd Miss You

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Author! Kenma, Background Relationships, Cuddling, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I mean, Kenma really likes the rain, Kenma's in his last year of college, KuroKen - Freeform, Kuroo is kinda a perv, Kuroo plays the piano, Like, Like KageHina, Love, Love confessions (sort of), Lust, M/M, Masturbation, Mutual Pining, Oikawa is a ridiculously good friend, Slow Build, and iwaoi, i mean a ton of cuddling, slight depression, so it counts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-05
Updated: 2016-05-25
Packaged: 2018-05-18 07:42:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 32,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5907460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>5 years ago, Kuroo Tetsurou left for the United States. 3.5 years ago Kenma stopped talking to him. And 1 year ago Kuroo returned, but Kenma wasn't notified. </p><p>Three seconds ago, Kenma saw Kuroo for the first time in 5 years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. If I Said I'd Miss You, Would You Leave Anyway?

_3 years ago, Kuroo Tetsurou left for the United States._

I remember being mad at him, not overwhelmingly, but still mad enough to distinctly remember the feeling it emulated inside me. How could he leave me, just like that? All it took was one stupid letter from a university there and he's gone. Of course, he did seem a bit sad about leaving his homeland, but not enough to stay.

Three days before he left, he asked me, "Will you miss me?" With that stupid smirk on his face that I actually kinda love because it makes his eyes light up a little more than usual. I wanted to say yes. I wanted to demand he stay, to tell him not to leave me here.

But there was a thought on my mind that kept me silent. If I said I'd miss you, would you leave anyway? Double heart break would be too much for me. Or maybe it would be double rejection? Either way, I might not have been able to handle losing Kuro in many differing ways. So I simply sighed, and faked indifference. I actually do that quite frequently. It's much better than unnecessarily making a huge scene, in my opinion at least.

It didn't feel different, when he left that is. In many novels or personal accounts, people claim that the world (more or less) felt different, like there was a shift and suddenly it would be clear that whoever they love is hurt, or had left them, that something seemingly monumental had happened. But my atmosphere wasn't suddenly deprived of oxygen without him or anything.

To me, it was any other day. Just without Kuro. Even to this day I am not sure if things would have felt different had I let them. If I had never numbed my heart to the emotions clawing at my brain, begging to take over. If maybe I would have cried, broken down, screamed at the sun to stop shining, how its light was an injustice to what happened.

But if I'm being honest, that is simply not me.

I have usually been able to hide my emotions by burying them in this new game, or that new show. With this list of chores or things that need to be done, until any one problem plaguing me left my mid, or was simply hidden by all the clutter inside of my brain. Does that make me a hoarder, in a sense? Maybe.

There is always the possibility that I am simply a coward. It might make sense. I hid behind Kuro and my games, and when that was threatened I hid behind my thoughts. I most likely would have kept hiding behind Kuro if he hadn't left. If I had never let him go.

The truth is, I didn't want to let him go, but I also didn't want him to be aware of that.

It's simple, really. Among other crowds of 'friends' I had more or less felt... out of place. To let others know how much I depended on them would be much to large and embarrassing of an affair. I was more or less content with being the outsider.

Kuro though... he was different than all of my other (few) friends. Kuro made it his business to make it known to me that my place was in the center of his life. He would shine the spotlight of his attention at me, demanding attention in return with his perfect smile and wild bedhead.

(Of course, in later years I had Shoyou and some other Volleyball friends, but it was never the same as Kuro.)

That was one of the reasons I was mad when he left. Not like in the previously mentioned novels or accounts, but because he gave me attention, light... maybe love? And then took it all away.

There were also other reasons. The fact that I had to grow without him at times, even though it wasn't his fault. I cherished every moment with him, but only up to about when I was 11 years old did I realise how strange out friendship really was.

Maybe because I subconsciously (totally consciously) thought we were more.

I know, it sounds idiotic. I simply decided in my head that we were most likely something more than just friends or even best friends at a young age. After all, none of my other few friends would cuddle with me, or let me lay on them, or really have lost the sense of personal space with each other the way Kuro and I did. I didn't feel the same around them also, like Kuro had a different atmosphere.

It was all yanked away from me, that beautiful fantasy that I treasured in my head, the one I thought he had going on as well as we were best friends, obviously we had the same wavelengths going through our heads, at that age of around 11 years old. That was the time he introduced me to his 'girlfriend', and I realized that I was the only one under the impression that we were something more than simply best friends.

So, back to the grow up on my own/ without him, I had to pretend I was fine. I was content with letting myself be pushed to the background. Kuro was like my Sun, and as long as I got some light, even a tiny ray, I was better than okay. Of course, he never just gave me a ray. He practically gave me the entirety, and spared a ray for his girlfriends and that sort.

Still, I got annoyed at the mere thought of his girlfriends. He tended to go for the pink-lipped, large-breasted, ditzy type, not the kind who could think for themself. He had a new one hanging off of his arm nearly every week or so, and it tore at me in a way I never imagined anything could have.

I tried to copy him, but girls never really appealed to me. No one did, actually. No one but Kuro. At first that confused me and terrified me to the very marrow in my bones. Why wasn't I like every other person? Why couldn't I feel something for those sugar sweet smiles that girls (more commonly it was guys) would every once in a while throw my way? Why was it that I never was able to move past Kuro?

I figured out in the later part of my first year of high school, that is, what I identified as. After research and maturing, I came across the term demisexual. It basically means that to be really attracted to someone it requires a deep emotional connection. That was when I experienced a relaxing sense of euphoria, I finally understood!

I also felt doomed. Why? Because if I really was demisexual then that meant I would likely never get over Kuro. He was the only person I was even willing to get close to on that level.

He was also as straight as an iron pole.

Really, I had no right to be mad at him. It wasn't his fault I had a hopeless, childhood crush on him that would not ever quell, no matter how far I pushed it down. But I still was, mad at him that is.

But after half a year, that anger faded. I realized how childish I was being. Kuro did not belong to me, he deserved to have a life of his own! In fact... I just was only holding him back.

Before then, I messaged him almost constantly, which was most likely incredibly annoying to him. I know, very out of character for me. After that half year though, my anger had been soothed, and what had been once driving me to demand his attention was now telling me to leave him alone. Let him live his life in peace and unrestrained.

_3.5 years ago Kenma stopped talking to him._

However, that is easier said than done.

It took me one and a half years to stop all together talking to him. By no means did I want to, but I knew that it was just me being a good friend. He would ask me why we hardly ever spoke anymore, was it school? Volleyball? A relationship? I tried to remain vague. He was probably only tricking himself into missing me, and if I was the one who distanced themselves first it would be easier for him. I was convinced I was doing the right thing.

It got a little out of control a few times. Sometimes it was on his part, sometimes it was on mine. For example, he brought my parents into it, asking if I was alright. It never seemed to cross his mind what was really happening. I had to reassure my parents of mine and Kuro's friendship, that I was perfectly fine.

One my part, I had a few... breakdowns. What can I say? He was my absolute best friend. I almost called him in my second year of college, almost half a year after I had given up on him giving up on me and blocked him. School was hard, stress levels were high and even then still rising impossibly high, and I just wanted a familiar voice, the one that I trusted, the one that I loved, telling me it was alright.

I never made the call.

Another time that was awkward was when Shoyou invited me to hang out with him and his boyfriend, (or they may still have been denying it then, I don't remember) and Shoyou brought up the topic of Kuro, or to them, Kuroo.

Even Shoyou was still in contact with him, and he was questioning me like gunfire about why we had drifted away. I blamed the distance, I blamed human nature, I blamed anything I could think of other than 'I had to release the man I loved, love, from my clingy, undeserving, restraining grip'. That would have made things, much, much worse for me.

I don't think the scary setter, Tobio? Yes, Tobio, believed me. He was, is, smarter han he lets on in things other than Volleyball, and if he let himself he would excel in all subjects. Sadly, some people acquire tunnel vision to help them instead of widening their small view. In my opinion, it's sad.

Other than the awkward moment here and there regarding Kuro, I was actually able to avoid thinking about him that often. I used my brain-hoarding technique, and I pushed myself harder at school. I stayed in Volleyball, even at college, and was made vice captain in my last year. (Well, I denied the position. But they tried to make me vice captain.) I was not planning on taking Volleyball further than that, however. I wasn't even sure why I continued in the first place, after all it was really just Kuro that kept me in it all through high school.

May be it was that I had finally grown past hiding behind Kuro. I suppose that I actually forced myself to continuously grow until I became really independent.

_And 1 year ago Kuroo returned, but Kenma wasn't notified._

During my last year of college, thoughts of Kuro hardly ever brushed past the conscious thoughts in my brain. I had (more or less but not really) succeeded in what I was sure was the best thing I could do for my best friend, the same one who would never would be anything more than that.

With the end of the year approaching, I hardly had anytime to eat, much less think about how stupid I was to let him slip right through my fingers. I didn't have time to wonder if he still got behead like it was his religion, or if that smirk I loved, love, was still intact. I didn't have time to wonder if he still thought of me, if he was still curious about why I distanced my self from him. No, I was much too busy for any of that.

I would be lying if I said I didn't anyway.

He was my best friend for years, it makes sense. When a large portion of your life is spent with someone, you tend to think about them whether you want to or whether you definitely do not want to. In my case, I was torn between both. You know the saying old habits die hard? It was a habit of mine to love him. And even though that love was pushed behind mind clutter, it stayed just as strong as ever.

I was fairly certain I'd never see him again. That he'd find that dream life in the United States that almost seemed like a fantasy, that he'd settle down and have children and get old and fat with some foreign chick, and when he did I would be the last thing on his mind.

_Three seconds ago, Kenma saw Kuroo for the first time in 5 years._

I suppose I was wrong. And right too, because he does still have bedhead, and he still reminds me of home even when I'm not sure what home is. He still makes my breath hitch and my stomach flutter and makes it that much harder to hide my true feelings.

"Hey Kenma. Long time no see."


	2. If I Said I'd Miss You, Would You Care?

You know that sound people will make when they're desperately trying to breathe, say while crying heavily or after being underwater a while? I feel like, looking at him, it's like my entire body is internally having that same reaction.

It is also kinda like, for the longest time, I've had my ears about to pop, and my brain was kinda fuzzy and words were hard to understand. Then, he comes along, and suddenly POP! Everything comes into focus. It makes me know that if I ever get Alzheimer's, this memory will be one of the last to go because of how clear everything is.

I know it's stupid. He ignored me for so long, even if I try now he might not even notice me anyway. If that happens... I don't know if I could summon the courage to follow him, talk to him. Usually I'd be fine, but when your it's your best friend that stops talking to you, starts making excuses that they know you won't buy... that does more to shatter your confidence around them than even the worst of insults.

It takes a few tries, but I finally manage to walk up to him. Funny, I had given up on seeing him again, and then he's just here, buying food, like any other person would. I know, though, that Kenma is much more special than just some random normal person.

Seeing him, and taking even a single step towards him, floods my mind with memories. The most recent ones being me yelling at a phone, a picture, to just talk to me. Tell me what was wrong, what did I do, I'd make it up to him. I was willing to do anything, and then I'd call him again and he'd ignore me. Whenever he did answer, I forgot all my anger that he wouldn't let me redeem myself, and the closest I got to the subject of him ignoring me would be subtle questions of how be was doing, was he alright?

One of the worst parts of the entire situation was that I knew my Kenma wouldn't hesitate to call me if he was stressed, wouldn't lie about not having time for me, even when his words wrapped that thought up real pretty, I knew that was the gist of what be was saying. The Kenma I knew and loved wouldn't care.

So yeah, those are the most recent memories. But others resurface as well, ones that I had almost forgotten. Like when I first slipped out that I might like him, and tried to pass it off as me trolling him, being a mean friend.

_"Fucking hell!" Kenma exclaimed as the game over music played yet again. I looked over at him in amusement, was he ever going to take a break? I yawned. I wanted him to pay attention to me, but that was probably not going to happen when he was ' in the zone'. Still, I tried._

_"Well don't you have a dirty mouth," I teased him, and he flipped me off, not turning to face me. But that wasn't good enough for me, I wanted to see him, not just have little bit of attention from him._

_"Maybe you should put that dirty mouth to a better use," I suggested in a seductive tone. I didn't mean for that to come out, I really didn't, but I simply slipped out of my mouth. Instead of getting awkward about it, I owned it. I considered it a victory, because he turned to face me, eyes wide and shock written all over his face. His mouth was agape. I winked, just basking in how successful I was, and his gum dropped out of his mouth and onto his carpet floor._

_Suddenly, I felt panic. Oh god, what if he thought I meant it? I wanted his attention, not to weird him out! I tried to laugh off the tension that had crept between us. "Oh my god, Kenma, I was joking!" I exclaimed, laughing. He looked doubtful for a second, but then just shook his head._

_"Idiot." He grumbled under his breath. Meanwhile, I tried in earnest to stop imagining my best friend on his knees in front of me. It proved a hard task, in more ways than one. I quickly made an excuse and went home, and locked myself in my room._

I still remember the way he looked at me. For a while, I tried kidding my self into thinking I wasn't attracted to him, or any guys for that matter. I was the normal 14 year old boy who liked just girls, right? I definitely was not attracted to my childhood best friend, right?

Wrong.

I just so happened to be quite gay for my best friend, though I still liked girls. Later, I stumbled upon the term bisexual and accepted it as a part of me. New, strange, and definitely scary, but a part of me nonetheless.

I especially accepted it when I was 17 and was plagued by dreams about him. Not so much nightmares, but very wet dreams. It became harder and harder to be near him without feeling like a perv, which made me feel guilty as absolute hell. He wasn't an object to fantasize over, he was a living, breathing human being that I should have respected their dignity. It was actually very conflicting. I remember a time when I was particularly pervy, when I was only 16.

_I was going to Kenma's house unannounced, and it seemed he was the only one home. I was about to just walk into his room when I ... heard him._

_He was moaning like an animal in heat, and suddenly it struck me what was going on. It was the perfect time, his whole family wasn't home, it made sense! And while I should have walked away, I instead peeked through the crack between his door and the wall._

_I almost choked. There was Kenma, my Kenma, laying on his bed, flushed and sweating, and jacking off. With the other hand, which was covered in a slick substance, I noticed him thrusting his fingers in and out of his entrance._

_My pants became painfully tight. Only a few feet away was my best friend, the one I was very gay for, jacking off and fucking himself. Instead of staying, though, I crept out, and honestly tried my best to stop thinking about him in that way. I had ready invaded his privacy, I felt sick for practically taking advantage of that._

So many memories, but not just those pervy ones either. Like the time I realized I was in love with him, a few days before that incident.

_We were lying on my bed together, his head resting on my chest while he played a game on his phone. Originally I had been making sarcastic comments regarding his progress, but as time went on I just watched him._

_I started stroking his hair, practically petting it actually. It may have been unconscious, but he was purring like a cat to my touch. It was so pretty, even though his roots were obvious. It made his hair look even better, I thought. Then again, my trademark hairstyle consists of bedhead covering my eye._

_I was startled out of my stupor when his phone fell on my bed, and I came to the conclusion that he must have just fallen asleep on me, and my hand froze on his hair, not wanting to wake him. It was when he turned over so that his head was resting in the crook of my neck and he grumbled, "Don't stop," That I realized he was awake, he just wanted to cuddle with me._

_How adorable. I resumed petting his hair, and relaxed, almost falling asleep my self. It was cold, though._

_"Hey Kitten?" I asked him, and I could feel his blush from being called Kitten heating up the spot on my neck where his head rested._

_"Mm?"_

_"Do you want to move under the blanket? It's cold." He just nodded, and clung to me like a sloth while I pulled us under my covers. One of his legs went between mine, and his face ended up right next to mine on my pillow, our lips only centimeters apart._

_He didn't seem fazed by how close we were, and he wrapped his arms around my neck, burying his hands in my hair. I pulled off my shirt, claiming it was uncomfortable, and he copied my actions._

_It was only a matter of time before he fell asleep in my arms, and when I did it struck me like a bomb. It was at that moment, with our bare chests pressed up against the other, with him snoring ever so slightly, with me not being able to tell where he ended and where I began, that I realized I was irreversibly, hopelessly, head over heals in love with Kozume Kenma._

_My best friend._

And my biggest regret.

Kenma has always been my everything, and then he pushed me away. I know when it started. When I asked him if he would miss me. I was hoping for him to say, "Yeah, so don't go." If he had, I would have stayed forever. But instead he said, "Yeah, you're my friend. Of course." He said it in that bored voice, Like he didn't really care all that much. When I asked him I was basically saying, _If I said I'd miss you, would you care?_ That was what I really wanted. Him to care about my absence.

While he did show more emotion around me than anyone else, there would be time when it was even hard for me to read him. He was this walking, talking stone pillar, and I was desperately trying to be friends with this stone pillar. Life is really hard when you're in love with stone.

Every step toward him, while hurting like hell because of he memories of him practically pushing me away, feels so good. Like a step home, even though I came back a year ago. I was re-stationed in Japan, as I would obviously be a good fit here and I had requested to be closer to home. At the airport, Kenma was the only on of my friends not waiting for me. The sad thing was that by then I wasn't even surprised at his absence.

He's so close now, though. Still seemingly oblivious to the fact that his best friend for years that he hasn't seen in years is walking up to him. I'm trying to be calm, but that's more or less impossible.

I tap him on the shoulder, holding my breath ever so slightly. When he turns to me a second later, there's almost a look of annoyance in his eyes, like 'seriously leave me the fuck alone', but when he sees that it's me, his eyes widen. Those beautiful gold-honey eyes that never fail to remind me of a cat.

Maybe in too close to him, because I can very clearly hear his breath catch. That very thought makes me kinda, no, _really_ , sad, because there used to be a nice, comfortable time when personal space was like a foreign concept to us. We'd be tangled up in each other, my hands in his hair, his around my neck, almost kissing actually, and nothing would be considered odd at all.

Everything was perfect between us. Well, it was almost perfect. If it was perfect than instead of almost kissing we would be kissing, instead of holding one secret from my friend I could be free with my feelings. I could make the piece of art that is Kozume Kenma mine, in every single sense of what that word can mean.

However, I knew he didn't want that. Kenma was close to me, yes, but he never made any move to indicate feeling further than that. If he did I would have probably passed it off as us just being best friends.

His eyes widen, and I utter only six words. "Hey Kenma. Long time no see." There's a few seconds of silence, and I find myself worrying. Worrying that even though I'm right in front of him he'll just walk away, or pretend he doesn't remember me. I worry that he won't care.

That would destroy me for good. There would be nothing left to salvage of the man known as Kuroo Tetsurou.

But instead I see a familiar flash in his eyes, and the atmosphere changes from tense to comfortable. I don't know how Kenma does it, but it's amazing. _He_ is amazing. He smiles at me, and replies, "Oh hello Kuro."

Maybe this confusing, dark tunnel that is my life really does have a light at the end of it. That light is Kenma.


	3. If I Said I'd Miss You, Could We Pretend For Awhile?

The world is absolutely full to the brim with many things. Memories, thoughts, people, moments, ideas, tears, blood, and hope. Much more as well fill the world, but those are the common themes. Oh, except I forgot one. What is this crazily common theme in life and the world, you may ask? The answer is simple and one-worded. 

Love.

It is the emotion that it seems most everyone is obsessed with, in one way or another. Most songs are about love, and it can be found as a theme in most any book or film. It is ridiculous how much love can control the world, and it makes many people too lovesick to care. Even the lonely old man has love, the depressed teenager has love, the most annoying person in the streets has love. There is an aspect of their life that they love, or an object. Most commonly, people love other people. 

Once you let love in, it is one of the hardest things to live without. For me, I let Kuro into my life. He went from Kuroo to me to Kuro, and I let myself love him like it was the only thing I could do. I let myself see him and my heart speed up the slightest, I let him drag me into volleyball. I let myself let him play with my hair, I let myself let him be there for me. I allowed myself to love him more than I has ever loved anyone or anything, as cliche as that sounds it's the simple truth. 

Even more cliche, I let him go. I watched him go and I probably could have stopped him if I tried hard enough, but I made no moves to keep him with me. I pushed him away, I rejected his friendship when it was probably hard for Kuro to be in a new place without friends there. I betrayed him, and I pretended that I was fine without him when he was what used to make my life.

So how is he right across this table from me, sipping coffee and making conversation like he holds nothing against me? How is he so cool and collected, and why are there little things that are different? Why is his speech more educated, not very though, and why does he-

"Kenma?" His voice snaps me out of the haze in was in.

"Sorry. I suppose I zoned out," I say, and something flashes in his eyes. What? 

"Its fine. As I was saying, how's your relationship going?" Kuro asks this with a slight edge to his tone, and for a single moment I am blank. Relationship? What is he talking about- oh.  _That. Yikes._

"Oh, um, it's nonexistent. I broke up with him, he wasn't the man for me," I inform Kuro, a bitter taste in my mouth left by even speaking the word he in the context of talking about  _him._ While Kuro had gone, I met someone in my lonely state. I was able to conjure an emotional connection with him quite seamlessly. Unluckily for me, he turned out to be . . . Not who I thought he was.

I wonder if Kuro feels the sense of relief that I always did when his relationships ended. I detested his girlfriends, except for only a few. Most of them we're stupid, annoying, and we're trying their absolute best to get me out of the picture. They wanted Kuro all for themselves. Of course, I wanted the same thing, I was just much smarter. 

There was only one girl that really was the type to try and get rid of me that actually seemed to have brains. I don't remember her name, but I do remember her methods. She seemed to figure out that I was uncomfortable seeing Kuro with girls, especially when they were doing anything more or less sexual. She would take advantage of that and make out when I was in the room, and I would promptly excuse my self from the room or place. I hated feeling like I was losing to her, but I couldn't stand to stay. For a little while I was actually worried about it.

_That is, until she took it way too far. I had fallen asleep in Kuro's bed, and woke up to strange sounds. Without opening my eyes, I recognised them as over exaggerated moans and wondered if Kuro was watching pornography around me, which I was considering hitting him for. Then I realized it wasn't porn, it was his girlfriend._

_She had somehow convinced Kuro it was alright for them to make out with me in close vicinity. Maybe it was a power play, and she was attempting to show off the fact that she had Kuro in a way I never could. I think she did figure out my feelings for Kuro, and how they went beyond just simple friendship._

_I sat up rather quickly, and aimed an extremely annoyed and mad glare both of their ways. "Could you not?" I asked with as much bite to my voice that there could be. Kuro had disconnected their lips as soon as I sat up, and decided to try and calm me down._

_"Sorry kitten, she just-" his girlfriend interrupted him. Quite rudely, I'll add._

_"What?!" She exclaimed. "Did you just call him kitten?" Her voice was so annoying and high pitched. We both turned to her, me trying to hide my blush at being called kitten. Kuro had started calling me that somewhere around the beginning of high school, and I never really protested it. In fact, I liked it quite a lot. I was grateful that I never had to tell him I liked it, because that would be too embarrassing for me._

_However, when I saw her face at this moment, I stopped feeling embarrassed at the nickname. She looked. . . Jealous. And I enjoyed that. Finally she had seemed to see her place. Which was far away from Kuro._

_"Yeah. Got a problem with that?" I challenged her, not caring about the surprised look that looked kinda cute on Kuro's face. Well, maybe I did care a little bit. Kuro made no move to defend her at all, and I saw maybe a million emotions cross her face. Confusion, shock, anger, and the remaining one, bitterness._

_"Fine," she spat out, getting off the bed and walking to Kuro's bedroom door, "why don't_ you _suck his dick instead." If she was hoping to make me feel bad at the thought of them doing that together, it was drowned out as feeling a wonderful sense of victory. Kuro, surprisingly, chuckled a tiny bit at her antics._

_"And stay away!" Kuro shouted after her, aand I was astounded at his cheery attitude. Sure, Kuro had confessed to me that he didn't like her attitude, but he obviously enjoyed the physical side of the relationship enough to stay with her for four months. He saw my expression and shrugged. "She was kinda. . . Nasty." He explained._

_Who knows what he meant._

"Kenma!" My eyes snap up to his. Ugh, did I zone out again? His eyes are wide, most likely in worry for me, and I feel bad. Not only have I been ignoring him for years, but during the first conversation we've had in person in a long time I keep zoning out on him. Like I don't really care about him. 

I'm an awful person.

"Sorry," I apologize quickly. "I just-" he interrupts me with a smile, and I wonder how I ever managed to ignore him.

"It's fine, it's fine. It's probably a bit rattling to see someone you haven't talked to in years out of nowhere." He chuckles a little bit, but I can tell that he's taken it personally. Oh God, what have I done? Idiot. 

"No, I just didn't get much sleep last night," I say, and it's not a lie. Kuro's face has a little sign of relief on it, and that makes me feel good. "So. . ." I trail off awkwardly. I didn't want Kuro to feel like the conversation was one-sided, but I honestly have no idea what to say. I've been (against my will) daydreaming of the day I just happen to see him again, I have a million things to tell him, but none come to mind.

 "Oh," he replies, and casually moves his hand, which was resting on the table, closer to mine so that our pinky fingers are touching. "You should try to get more sleep. I don't want my kitten to tire himself out." He's always been able to treat situations like these, where the air feels saturated with tension, like the most casual moments ever. 

I'm becoming more or less a mess, on an increasing and exponential level. That slight contact, the sincere look in his eyes, and the elephant in the room. I can't ignore it anymore, I need to do  _something._ "Kuro," I start, my voice not wavering, "I think maybe we should talk about-" he seems to notice where I'm going, and cuts me off by putting his hand over my mouth.

"No," he says, "it's find. You've always been able to hide behind a mask, Kenma, but I can see right through it right now. And you are not ready to tell me why you. . . Why you ignored me for years." His voice cracks the sslightest bit on the last word, and the regret surges through me. How could I have done this to my best friend? "You can tell me later." He says, and he gets up and walks away from our table. 

He didn't even say goodbye, didn't  even give any warning he would leave! I sit in shock,awhile a waitress comes over. "He told me to give you this when he left," she tells me in a peppy voice. Ew. I accept a square, white piece of paper with black pen writing. A smile comes over my face. His handwriting has remained the same. 

The note reads,  _Hey, call me!_ there's a phone number. And a shockingly bad drawing of a cat. Oh God Kuro. Still, I smile in spire of my self. Kuro's words echo in my head. He said I could explain later. Later, while seemingly simple word, is much, much more when you examine it closely. It's a tie, it's a bond.

A promise.


	4. If I Said I'd Miss You, Would You Cry?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I'm awful and don't update enough, but hey, here's the next chapter. Enjoy.

As soon as I get inside my apartment with the door shut, I yell, "Idiot!" And slap my forehead. What was I thinking? I see the person I'm in love with after five years, take them to get coffee, and leave before we had even talked a few minutes! I have pretty much no idea what is going on with Kenma, and how do I know he's ever even going to call me? Oh God, what if the waitress never gives him the piece of paper? What if Kenma just chooses to ignore it the same way he ignored me?

I'm a mess.

"What did you do this time?" I hear a lazy and condescending voice call out. Oikawa comes out of his room and raises an eyebrow at me. "I mean, it must have been  _baad._ That 'idiot' was a while octave higher than usual." I glare at him. Why did I decide having Oikawa as my roommate would be a good idea? 

I try to push past him, but he stops me. "Let me past, trashykawa," I say, and he pouts.

"Rude! And only Iwa-chan can call me that!" Oikawa releases his grip nevertheless, but says in a singing voice, "I can find out what happened other ways, only you'll look ten times worse." I hesitate outside the door to my bedroom. I cave, because Oikawa is obviously not bluffing. 

"Fine," I sigh, turning to face him. "Its about. . . Kenma." He looks actually a little bit surprised, before he laughs a little at my expense.

"Dude! You're so screwed!"

"I know," I reply, while picturing Kenma and thinking  _I wish._

 

* * *

 

"Sometimes I think I shouldn't let you out in public without me, Kuroo. You obviously can't handle it," Oikawa seems to find my problem with Kenma the most hilarious thing since that one trashy comedy he likes to watch.

"Oh shut up," I retort. Usually I'm up for some playful banter with Tooru, but. . . Not about this. I don't know why, it's something about the way the ceiling light looks brighter and my veins are still feeling more rushed. How did I even stay alive and not spontaneously combust every time I was around Kenma for those years? How did I ever find it in my self to leave him?

"I'm tired," I say, interrupting whatever Oikawa was saying about me and my failed relationships and missed opportunities. He seems to judge me for a second, then waves me away. I go to my room with heavy feet, and I fall onto my bed almost before the door is closed shut. 

Humans are kind of stupid, actually. We pretend we're protecting people by leaving them, when all we do is deny ourselves of the love that could have been ours. We fall in love so easily, and tons of us focus our lives around an emotion that seems to make us just as flimsy as it makes us strong. Not that I'm one to talk, not in the slightest.

Being around Kenma. . . It's hard to describe. For me, it's almost like I  _want_ him to criticize me, just so I can laugh and agree. I want to see him smile because of me and for me, and I want to feel his gaze on me. Maybe I just want proof that he feels for me as intensely as I feel for him. Then again, all I know is that he thinks of me as a friend. Best friend? Perhaps. Do best friends ignore each other for years? 

Oh, and there's that. He makes me so fucking mad sometimes. He could call even once a year! He could tell me to fuck off! But the. . . The way he broke me was so spectacularly  _Kenma_ that in a way I'm glad he at least got rid of me in a way that wouldn't have felt foreign to me, as strange as that sounds. He made him self a stranger to me, but at least he didn't do it in a strange way as well. 

I sigh, staring at my ceiling. There's a stain from a water leak, and if I try hard enough I can convince myself it looks like a cat. Ugh, why does everything remind me of Kenma? Is that all I am? If I am, I actually might be okay with that.

Fuck, I'm in so deep it's not even funny.

I remember one time, in America, it felt like the radio was attacking me. I had become more and more fluent of an english speaker, and I had noticed that many songs acted like they were only allowed to use basic words. Girls, world, boy, party, love, heartbreak. It was only on more alternative radio stations that I heard words Like surreptitious. I learned I preferred that music more.

_I was driving to college, I lived in an apartment more or less close. Well, if wasn't really close, but it was cheap and fulfilled my needs it was my last year of college, and it was actually getting very close to the end of my cover years. A song cake on, and I couldn't help but feel like it was from my perspective, speaking to Kenma._

**_You don't want me, no_ **

**_You don't need me_ **

**_Like I want you, or_ **

**_Like I need you_ **

_I switched the station, hoping to get away from those thoughts of Kenma that made me hurt more than an actual breakup. Unfortunately, another song was on as well._

**_Do you miss me?_ **

**_Cause I miss you_ **

**_Do you miss me?_ **

**_Cause I miss you so_ **

_"Fuck!" I exclaimed, switching the stations yet again. Why did Kenma invade my brain every single time I thought I was getting over his rejection of me?_

**_Without you I am color blind_ **

**_It's raining every time I open my eyes_ **

_With that, I turned off the radio angrily. I cursed Kenma in my brain for doing what he had done to me, but then took it back immediately be cause I could never do something Like curse Kenma._

_I remember I cried later that day, and got so mad at myself._ Why was I crying? Why did I care? Kenma obviously didn't, and isn't Kenma all that matters? Isn't he all that ever mattered? You're so dependant on him, it's pathetic. Be a man, Kuro. That's what I was inwardly screaming at myself as hot liquid rolled down my cheeks and I wondered if I hoped that Kenma was crying over me too. 

The heart can do strange, strange things to the head. Some try to use that as logic that you should disconnect your heart from tour head, but I disagree. If you aren't letting your heart influence your head and voice versa, how truly are you living? Because of the heart affecting the head, I could look at a cat and think of Kenma. Because of my heart, I could look at a crow and think of those wonderful idiots from the Karasuno team. 

A sad thought strikes me. Not a single one if the players on that team that I played against even go to that school now, much less play on its volleyball team. Nostalgia is a funny thing, it strikes when least expected. Why do I get nostalgia from the thought of a team I wasn't even on? Who knows. 

I remember I was jealous a little bit of that fiery red-head, Hinata. It was just because of how easily he got Kenma to talk freely to him and feel comfortable around him. I'm rather territorial and protective, I guess. Or maybe it was just the affects of being hopelessly, heart-breakingly, mind-numbingly in love.

It got incredibly obvious to a lot of people how deep my feeling a went near the end of my third year. One of the more notable Times was with an ex girlfriend of mine. She was actually a really cool, nice, and sweet girl, Even Kenma approved. That was saying something, because he thought most every single one of my girlfriends were stupid and or rude. 

_I was visiting her parent s for the first time, about four months after we got together. She was actually really nervous about it, and it was cute. Nothing to make you fall in love, but cute. I showed up on time, and her parents welcomed me in with smiles on their faces and their hearts ready to give me a chance. I rather liked that couple, they were very nice and accepting._

_We made small talk, and when dinner was prepared and we were eating we spoke about many diverse subjects. Some were most interesting than others, but it was good conversation nonetheless. The really spectacular even was during the middle of a bite of food, when the father Said, "So. . . Kuro. I've heard that you are somewhat a . . . How do I say this. . . Womanizer?"_

_I almost choked. I managed to stay calm, and when I swallowed I laughed a little bit nervously. It came out sounding more mischievous than anything,and I cursed myself inwardly while still desperately trying to not seem like a suspicious and bad person to these awesome parent s of a girl I actually liked. "Why do you say that?" I asked, feigning ignorance._

_That just made the situation more awkward for us, and the atmosphere of the table itself felt incredibly . . . Not dangerous, but slightly edgy. The mother sighed, and out her hand over the father's hand. "It's only be cause we've heard of several other girls that you gave dated being rude to our daughter, or just warning her. I'm sorry, but you must admit you do date a lot of young women."_

_I took a deep breath, and then let it out. "How do I explain this?" I mused out loud, and then shrugged. "I'll try. Anyway, I date simply because I enjoy it. I find some girls that are very nice. However, many get. . . Jelous of my best friend. They threaten him, are rude to him, and just generally aren't the people I thought they were. He tells me, and I'm not going to stay with some one like that." I shrug again. "Kenma likes your daughter, though. She's awesome."_

_The father, mother, and my girlfriend got thoughtful expressions on their faces. It was actually pretty eerie, and I high-key was hoping they would stop. After a few moments, the father said, "Kuroo. . . Could you describe this Kenma?" I felt pride rise in my chest, and went on and on about my wonderful, shy but cool, secretly sassy, beautiful best friend. I stopped when I noticed they had matching expressions again but the expression was different this time._

_"What?" I asked them._

_My girlfriend exchanged a look with her parents, and sighed. "Kuroo, I think we need to break up." I didn't really know how to respond to that._

_"What?" I repeated myself, probably sounding redundant as fuck. I had no idea why she Said that, it  had come entirely from out of the blue! Why did she want to break up all of a sudden. Meanwhile, she laughed at me. "Why?" I asked._

_"Why? Kuroo, you're in love with Kenma!" She exclaimed, practically gushing._

_"You were so proud of him, you should be dating this best friend of yours," the mother told me. I felt embarrassed._

_"Is it really that obvious?" I ask them. The father raised an eyebrow at me._

_"Let me just say that if you want to hide it you should try not to light up so much at the mere mention of him." I smiled. At least they weren't homophobic._

It is actually kind of funny looking back. I wonder how Kenma was literally the only person to not figure it our, I mean this family knew me for hardly any time and could tell before spending a few hours with me. Kenma and I would spend whole days together. I sigh, and turn to my bedside table when I hear my phone vibrate. 

I pick it up and smile at the words. Oh Kenma.

**You idiot, you left me there all alone. Whatever, let's get together again sometime. You aren't leaving me again, Kuro.**

No, I'm not. I promise I never will again.


	5. If I Said I'd Miss You, Would You Say Sorry?

Some people say promises are made to be broken. I say that promises are made to be kept, and people who try to say otherwise are just straight up assholes. Really though, why would I promise to do something if it didn't mean something to me? That just doesn't make sense to me. I don'lt tend to do things that I can't back up with logic in even a small way. That just is not who I am. So, as I was saying, why would you betray something that meant something to you just because of some petty reason?

The right answer should be, you woudn't.

My text to Kuro was a promise of it's own kind, promising a new beginning. It is not glossed over between us that I. . . ignored him for so long. maybe when we get cose again he'lll tease me about it. I wonder, though, what being close will be for us this time around. Last time it meant entertwined bodies and secrets on the down low. 

This time. . . I don't know. I would say that it will be just like last time, but something about the way his fingers brushed mine at the cafe place today begs to differ. I don't know why, but his eyes seem to contain something inside them that was not quite . . . there before. Maybe it was, who knows. Maybe I just blinded myself from it, though that seems illogical, as I was almost always looking for signs that Kuro felt as deepy as I did. As I do.

Something inside me lurches in a sickening way when I remember that we might not get as close as we used to be. In fact, Kuro might be the one who ignore me after a while this time around. If I were him, I don't know if I would take me back with as open of arms that Kuro is seemingly offering to me. Maybe he believes in me, in a way I have most always seemed to be lacking. 

I really, really hope he does. If even Kuro has lost faith in me, I don't quite know what I'll do. Maybe cry a bit. Probably. 

I look over at the digital clock on my bedside table. The bright green reads that it is 2:00 A.M. Fuck, I should  _not_ be up this late, I have an exam tomorrow. Or, I suppose the exam is today. Yeah, I'm screwed. I glance at the closk again, willing for the numbers to change backwards so that I can get a good amount od sleep, but the number moves up one right as I glance over. It's almost like the stupid clock is mocking me. Whatever. I'm not an inanimate object, so I win.

Ha, take that you stupid clock. I  _win._ The time moves forwrd once more, and I kinda feel pathetic because the clock is so beating me right now. Oh god. I'm competing with a clock. I need sleep, and desperatly. With a groan, I turn onto my stomach and try my hardest to fall asleep.

* * *

 

I look down at my phone, and I can'lt help the smile that spreads across my face. Kuro has been texting me all day, just like he used to. 

**Kuro: Hey, Kenma.**

**Kuro: Answer me.**

**Kuro: Keeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnmmmmmaaaaaaa**

**Kuro: Plz I thot u were my frend Kenma**

**Kuro:RNT you gonna at least talk to meeee**

**Kenma: Please at least use correct capitalization.**

**Kuro: oH liKE tHis?**

**Kenma: I hate you**

**Kuro: You loooooooove me**

After that I blocked out his texts, he had simply tried to get my attention by texting long messages with one letter of my name, then the next, so on and so forth. I put my phone on silent, I was in class. I felt like my exam had gone well, I studied and knew the answer to pretty much every question on the exam. 

Still, tiredness is seeping through my bones, flowing in my veins the way it always does after an all-nighter. The prospect of maybe seeing Kuro fills me with a sense of purpose anyway. I want to see him, to be with him, to have him smile at me and for me, to have Kuro be mine the way he sed to. And maybe with the way he acted yesterday. . . he could be mine in another way too.

Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. If I'm imagining all of this, the consequences could be. . . monsterous, to say the lest. I already lost him, or gave him up, once. I'm not ready or capable to do it all over again. Should I try to pursue him anyway? Jus throw hesitation ot the window and go for it? Eh, that isn'lt really  _me,_ now is it?

As I walk out of my dorm room, I text Kuro. 

**Kenma: So, do you want to hang out today? I want to catch up with you without you walking out before it has even been five minutes.**

**Kuro: Hey! I had to do something so that you would have to text me!**

**Kenma: . . . Sorry abot that, by the way.**

**Kuro: Um, no.**

**Kenma: What?**

**Kuro: You are NOTallowed to apologize to me over text, bro. That'ls just shady.**

**Kenma: Fine, I'll do it in person.**

**Kenma: Only if you don't call me bro ever again. That's just weird.**

**Kuro: LOL :) ;) :P**

**Kenma: Oh God.**

**Kuro: Isn't is weird for you to say that? You're agnostic after all.**

**Kenma: Sshh. Hush child.**

**Kuro: Okay, so meetin up at my place?**

I felt my heart flutter at those words. I would be going over to his place? What did that propose? What did he mean when he said that?Surely not sex.

Right? He knows I'lm demisexual. I came out to him a few days before he left, actually. He wouldn't . . . He can't. I'm just reading too far into this, that's all. I happent to do that a lot, so it would not be crazy if I was doing that. I shake my head, gotta shake out the dirty thoughts, and reply.

**Kenma: That's fine. What's your address?**

He sends me the address, and tells me it would be better to come over after five because otherwise Oikawa would be there, and he woud most likely be really intrusive. I agree. Tooru is great, don't get me wrong, but I also just kinda want some private time with Kuro. Without Oikawa making fun of how pathetic my feelings are behind Kuro's unknowing back. He's done it before.

Wait. . . Kuro is roomates with Oikawa? Why didn't Oikawa tell me Kuro was back? In fact, most all of my friends are mutual friends with Kuro. They would have known that he had returned to Japan. Why did none of them, not a single one, tell me that Kuro was not in America any more? Did they. . . Did they think I would not care?

Not for the first time, I question myself.  _Oh Kenma, What have you done?_ In truth, I can't even really answer that. I thought I was doing the right thing, I remember that much, but . . . Oh. I'm an awful friend, that is for sure. 

That only leaves one option of my course of action. Well, there are actually several courses of action I could chose, but there is onky one respectable one. I have to make things up with Kuro. 

 

* * *

 

 

"You're kidding me!" Kuro exclaims, laughing slightly in the way he always has when it's genuine. 

The one where his nostrils flare a little bit and my heart can't help itself from fluttering around like a bird desperately campaigning for freedom from my stomach. His teeth are showing, and I know that I don't need a house to have a home, I just need Kuro.

Oh god, I'm such a sap. Ugh.

"No," I reply, only smiling a little bit, "I'm not. I hate that stupid band with my entire heart and soul." I try to make my voice as deadpan as I possibly can, no emotion betraying me. Kuro shakes his head in a teasing way, and I wish that these butterflies would fly the fuck away, I don't want them at all. They're annoying.

"Okay, I know 5sos isn't that good, but they do they really deserve that much hate?" He questions, raising an eyebrow at me and still grinning shit faced. His blue wallpaper isn't as cold as I thought it might be walking in, and even though this is the first time I've ever been in here I feel like I could fall asleep on this bed. The same one Kuro almost falls off of when I push his chest slightly.

We're both sitting in his room of his flat, on his bed. Kind of like old times, except there's a lot more distance between us now than there was back then. Both literally and figuratively.

"Yes. As I said before, my entire heart and soul despises them." I smirk ever so slightly, but he just mock pouts. Does he like the band or something? And, God damn it, why is he looking at me like that?

"Awe, Kenma. Really, you can't hate them with your whole heart and soul, because if you do then there will be no room for me in your world." When did Kuro get so smooth? I can feel a blush rising to my cheeks, even though I'm desperately trying to quell it. I was not expecting that from Kuro, what am I supposed to say? How on earth do I even try to come up with an intelligent reply?

This reminds me of many times with Kuro in our younger years. Usually I was able to be calm around him. Actually, scratch that, I was more than calm. I was comfortable, and I felt perfectly safe. Only sometimes Kuro would surprise me wirh a line that unexpectedly made my knees buckle and stupid butterflies would find a place whirling around inside of my stomach. I would usually just try to be sarcastic or nonchalant in my response, but it's hard.

Get your mind out of the gutter, you dirty little perverts.

_"I'm boreeeeeed, Keeeeeeennnnmmmmaaa!" He groaned, laying on my bed on his back, staring up at my ceiling. His legs were dangling off the edge, he was laying across in a way hat only his head and some torso were actually on the bed, the rest just hanging off awkwardly. The air was hot and humid, the air conditioning wasn't working at all, and I was surprisingly more or less content._

_Even though the desk I was sitting at was uneven, and the video game I was playing on my phone was failing to really interest me, I found my self completely at peace with how I was in my state. Still, I wasn't really in the mood to be going to indulge in meaningless banter with Kuro. "That's nice," I replied dryly, simultaneously getting to the next level in my game._

_"Awe, Kenmaaa," he drawled out lazily. "Don't be like this. I'm soooo booooooorrreeeeed." I sighed a little bit, but not out of annoyance. I was grateful that my face was mostly hidden by my phone, because that way Kuro wouldn't get all big headed over the tiny smile fighting it's way over my lips._

_"Deal with it," I say in a monotone voice. I look up for hardly even a second, and glance at him. He's grinning despite the somewhat harsh words directed at him, and I have to try even harder to keep my small smile from growing larger._

_"Kenmaaaaaaa," he said again, and I simply ignored him. It was funny to see his reaction to it. "You little shit!" He added in a playful tone of voice. In no way was I offended, but I prepared a response anyway and fired it from my mouth like a bullet._

_"Fuck you." Creative, I know. What can I say? The game was suddenly much harder than it had been previously, and I had reached for the first sort of insult I could think of. I caught a tiny glance of Kuro's smile widening, and I heard him snort. I faltered for a second, and I lost a bit of my life in the game._

_"When and where, Kenma?" He suddenly said in a seductive voice. I dropped my phone, and stared at him. He rolled off the bed he was laughing at my reaction so hard. "Your face, Kenma! Your face! Priceless!"_

_I just shook my head and picked up my phone._

I look at him in the eyes, and say, "I. . . I hope you know you've always had a place in my world. . Even if I . . . Made it hard." An expression passes across his face. Surprise? Regret? Who knows, it was only there for a mere second. Then there's a small smile.

I ignore it. "Kuro. . . I want you to know that I-" my voice breakes, and I look down. _Fucking hell, Kenma, don't cry!_ "I'm really sorry." I finish my sentence in a whisper. I wonder how many times Kuro wondered if he did something wrong. If I hated him? I truly am an awful friend. I can see why I did it in the first place, ignored him that is. The reasoning still applies.

I'll never be worthy of a friend like Kuro. All I do is hold him back from a future that could be unbelievably beautiful, bright. He deserves that future, and all I do by involving my self in it is ruining it, darkening it, breaking it. I'm so bad for him-

I feel arms wrap around me, and I'm engulfed in Kuro's warmth. I let myself be hugged, even hug back a bit. He leans back only slightly, only enough to wipe away the tears I hadn't realized I was crying. He whispers soft words of comfort, and I start to think that maybe I actually will be alright.

As long as I have Kuro, I'm fine. No, more than that.

Golden.

 


	6. If I Said I'd Miss You, Would You Tell Me Your Secrets?

Even before the confusing and hurtful period of time during college when Kenma started ignoring me, I had decided that it was absolutely necessary to get over him. It wasn't fair to him, because if he found out he might've wondered if I was only his friend because I wanted to fuck him or something else along those lines. It also wasn't fair to me. I had to let go if I was ever planning on having a serious relationship, if I was ever planning on actually doing something with my life outside of my normal life in Japan.

I needed to stop the feelings that I had for Kenma. They weren't fair for anyone. I was dooming my love life by hanging on to the hope he might have feelings for me as well. Sure, he came out to me, but that didn't mean that he liked me. That was probably a fear of his, that I might misread what he says and confuse it for some strange thing he never even grazed upon while talking.

So when I finally stopped being able to talk to him, he blocked me, I took that as my sign to get over the unhealthy infatuation with Kenma. And I thought I did, actually. Well, more or less. Is it possible to really get over someone like Kenma? The answer to that is no, because he's  practically perfect.

Even when I've just recently been reunited with him, I've been trying to dull the swell of my heart and my head around him. The fact that he might be in my life more is enough, and I don't want to ruin the little thing I have with him. I don't know what I did wrong last time, but I'm determined not to do it this time. So I have to be cool, relax (A/N wut I'm not quoting Queen... ok but crazy little thing called love is fukin awesome dude mah childhood) and don't fall too deeply.

That's proving to be really hard with the way I'm holding him right now. He fucking crumpled like a leaf when he apologized, and when I saw the tear tracks on his face I knew something was wrong. Maybe it wasn't just me that made him ignore me. Maybe something happened to my kitten when I was gone in the U.S.

So yeah, I rose to the occasion (I swear I'm not talking about boners right now seriously) and surged forward to hug him. He collapsed in my arms, and I found it a bit strange how we were able to go from joking about awful bands to him crying in my arms.

He did apologize to me though. He said that I always had a place in his world. What the hell does that mean? Hopefully that he won't push me out and away from him again. I am honestly not sure if I could handle things well if he did that to me. In fact, I'm confident that I would handle things ridiculously badly. I would pretty much be a complete and utter mess.

The way he's just limp in my arms is more than a little alarming. What happened to my strong little Kenma? Maybe he's just stressed from college. God, I'm so happy that I've finished that, I would have gone crazy had I been forced to be in the hell most people like to call college for even one more set of a simple twenty four hours. I would have been absolutely mental.

There's only been a few times like this before. Not from the bullies that sometimes thought it would be fun to pick on him, but whenever Kenma would simply crawl through my window, into my arms, sobbing about an unknown problem. I later found out it was his father.

Kenma's dad was a drunkard, who would only come home every few months and only then to beat Kenma's mom and sometimes rape her. She 'didn't want to make or be a spectacle', so nothing ever happened concerning it.

Don't get me wrong, Kenma's fucking tough. He could and probably still can take pretty much anything, on the outside at least. On the inside he might be screaming, but no one can see past the mask he puts up, no matter how many cracks find themselves inside and scarring it. Well, I used to be able to.

I used to, usually, be able to see past Kenma's mask like it was crafted from only glass, and I tried to ease the tempest going on inside of him. One person can only do so much, and I was pretty much the only one trying. It's not fair to him, not even a little, but when has life ever really been fair?

()()()()()()()()()()

"Do we have to?" Kenma asks, nearly a week after the time when he collapsed in my arms. I had been talking to him about seeing a movie with me, about how we could catch up with each other. I more or less glazed over or skipped past the little detail that he ignored me for years, that I'm a little bit head over heals for him, or the fact that he was crying not that long ago.

It can wait for a later time.

"Yes! I've been wanting to see it, but I really only go out to the movies on dates, and I don't feel like flirting it up with stranger." That explanation is actually true, more or less. I could ask someone out on a date to see the movie, but in a way I like to think that this is a tiny way of sort of asking Kenma out on a date.

I almost forgot how blunt he is. "Fine, I'll be your date, but you don't get to have a one night stand with me." Shit. I can hear a little rare smile in his voice though, so I let out a small chuckle.

"Kenma!" Did he really just say what I think he just said?

"I said I'm going, text me the details. Alright?" I smile. Success.

"Great. See you then, Kitten." I hang up with a grin on my face and a certain ombre haired setter on my mind. Today is going to be a good day.

()()()()()()()()()()

"I wasn't expecting that," were the soft, quiet words that hardly left Kenma's mouth but I heard clearly anyway. We're laying on a blanket on the flat roof of my apartment building. The Stars are out. I suggested this after the movie, and Kenma agreed. (I might have possibly chosen a slightly smaller than normal blanket so that Kenma and I would laying closer together, but ssh.)

I turn my head to my right, where he's laying, and ask, "what do you mean?" He's still looking up at the night sky, and his face is illuminated by the Moon. Silver light on a face I can look at and contemplate for hours. I've always wanted to know what was going on inside Kenma's head. I can only tell so much by the little facial expressions he lets him self show. But that's alright for now, because I'm absolutely enraptured by the reflection of the twinkling and glittering stars in his eyes.

He lets out a tiny sigh. Not the kind of sigh someone might make when they're annoyed, or sad. The little sigh that Kenma has always made when thinking. I know the gears are probably spinning in his head right now, trying to find a way to answer me.

"I've been thinking-" he starts, and because I'm rude and awful and a teasing jerk, I smirk and cut him off.

"Oh really? That's a big surprise, Kitten." I can see his light blush when he elbows me gently and sharply tells me to shut the fuck up. I can't help but chuckle at his reaction a little bit, before doing as he said and waiting for him to finish his thought.

He waits a few seconds longer before starting again. "I've been thinking about that movie. It was stupid, really stupid, but for some reason I keep coming back to the conclusion that it didn't suck. And I think it's because of that one scene. . . You know, where the guy kisses another dude. He goes off with the girl anyway, and it's all really cliche, but I just wasn't expecting that. For people to be so okay with the gay guy. I don't know, maybe I expected boos from the audience, but they seemed fine." He finally turns to face me.

"And that's. . . Not what I expected." His walls are down, I can see. Funny how a simple night and the same stars we always see can make Kenma open up. Maybe it's also the lack of a crowd of people. Either way, I like his voice. I like when he's fine with talking for a long time and explaining things. I like seeing him comfortable, in his element, at ease. I especially like being the one causing it.

"Yeah. The world is changing for the better, Kitten. Hell, America just legalised gay marriage, finally." I sort of put my arm around his shoulders, and he leans into me so that he's laying on my arm like a pillow, and our faces aren't very far apart. Flashbacks hit me like bullets, memories of being close, comfortable with Kenma like this.

_I've missed this. A lot._

"I knew about that. It's great," Kenma says. I smile a little bit, and pull him a little bit closer than before. Not a lot, mind you, but enough that I can just barely feel his breath fanning against my face when he exhaled, and I can really see him. He's incredible.

"Yeah, but it was also a bit of the reason why I had to break up with my boyfriend. As soon as it was legal, he seemed to forget that we were together ' just for fun. ' " I see Kenma's eyes widen considerable, and can't help but admire the cat-like golden beauties. "Um, you okay, Kenma?" I ask him.

"Um, uh, well. . ." He stutters out, suddenly tense in my arms. I scramble my mind, searching for what I could have said or done to suddenly ruin his moment of comfort. What happened? He bites his lip, and I recite 'don't think dirty thoughts, don't think dirty thoughts, don't think dirty thoughts,' in my head, all while still trying to figure out what I did to put him so ill at ease.

He opens his mouth, then closes it. Kind of like a fish. Seriously, what did I do? I can't think of anything. Wait, maybe he heard me talking about the just for fun relationship and got disgusted? He's demisexual, so that might bother him, but he never seemed to really mind my views of dating before, and-

"You're gay?" He blunts out, then looks like he regrets it. I furrow my brows in confusion.

"What? No," I say, and he looks confused now. "I'm bi." With that he looks like he just got told that I'm into bdsm or something like that.

"What?!" He exclaims. I shrug.

"I mean, yeah. I'm attracted to guys and girls, so. . . Bi." He blinks. Then does it again.

"I .   .  . Never knew this," Kenma says, sounding stunned. I shrug yet again.

"Well, I came out to everyone officially in my third year of college. I think, um. . . You were . . . Having some complications in life at that time." A flash of an unrecognizable emotion crosses his face.

"Oh. Yeah." He looks down, seeming guilty. I wrap my arms around him fully, and hug him.

"Hey. I can tell you're thinking some negative thoughts right now. Listen to me: it's okay. Really. I don't have to know until you're comfortable, and I'm always going to be here to listen to you." He looks into my eyes. And then closes his.

". . . Thank you." He whispers. I take a chance and kiss his forehead. I can feel him tense up, but I can also feel him blushing.

"Always, Kenma." I respond. We don't talk anymore, and after a when I feel him fall asleep against me. I whisper into his hair, "I'm too head over heels to ever leave again, Kitten. Don't you worry, I'll always be here."

And with that, I'm falling asleep with him, underneath beautiful stars.

 


	7. If I Said I'd Miss You, Would It Ruin Everything?

Maybe the life I thought it was never existed. Maybe love has always just been a figure of speech. Maybe none of this is real, maybe I'm not meant to succeed, maybe my father could have loved me if he tried. Maybe mother could have left him if she were brave enough, maybe I can fly and just don't know it quite yet.

And maybe, just maybe, Kuroo Tetsurou, Kuro, is in love with me.

A month ago I would have scoffed at the thought. Sure, he might've missed me little bit, maybe. Truly, I was hoping he had forgotten about me. I had grown up with the sure notion that Kuro definitely loved me. Just platonically. Never in love, just love. There's a rather large difference between "I love you" and "I'm in love with you."

Hell, a few hours ago I would have rejected the idea that Kuro might think of me as anything other than a friend. Probably a shitty friend, just because of how much I fucked up our friendship. A small, kinda rude, kinda not worth it, kinda annoying friend who ignored him for a really long time.

God, I'm an idiot.

But then cam the stupid movie, and cuddling under the stars. I was really and truly relaxed with him, until he mentioned that he had a boyfriend in America. My straight, unattainable, attractive, hopeless love, Kuro . . . Was not quite as straight as I had always assumed/thought he was.

Now, I tried not to gather too much hope from that. After all, it's annoying when you come out to someone and they immediately get weird because they think you have a crush on them or something. I find that awful, and I wasn't about to do that to Kuro, the friend I had only recently re-acquired.

But then he had to go whispering to me while I was pretending/trying to fall asleep. (I like sleeping in Kuro's arms, it's always more refreshing when I wake up and I almost never get nightmares. If I did he wakes me up and comforts me.)

"I'm too head over heels to ever leave again, Kitten." He said, " Don't you worry, I'll always be here." Now, Kuro calling me Kitten is enough to make blush automatically, no matter how much I try not to. For a few minutes, that was all I could think about. Him and that nickname.

And then I processed the other words he said.

By then, he was actually asleep, and I was wide awake. "I'm too head over heels to ever leave again, Kitten"? There's generally only one common use for that little term-ish saying thing, "head over heels". I'm a little bit scared to think about it. Because I'm not very good at dealing with my feelings in a healthy way.

(That's pretty obvious. I mean, look at the way I dealt with the feelings that I might be holding him back from a brighter future that he deserves. It is fairly safe to say that I'm not winning any outstanding friend awards for that particular incident.)

A whole new fear settles inside of me. This is different from the fear that he hates me, the fear that I'm holding him back. It's different from the fear I had of coming out to him, from the fear I had of losing him to one of his annoying high school girlfriends. This is a different fear than the one of confessing I love him romantically. (Not that I've done that.) No, this fear. . .

It's that he might love me back.

Which is fucking terrifying.

()()()()()()()()()()

Perhaps I'm a masochist, because I never leave Kuro during the night. I let myself fall asleep at his side, and push away (mostly, at least) my fear of him loving me back. So I wake up to him shaking me with a goofy smile.

I decide that, yes, I definitely must be a masochist, because I let him take me down into his apartment, even after his warnings that Tooru is there. I just hope that Tooru will leave me alone, make me food, or still be asleep.

That last one is the main one I'm particularly hoping for.

The door of the apartment opens, and I'm greeted with the view of Tooru wearing the ugliest pajamas I have ever seen (orange and purple spaceships on a red background), eating crisps and watching an alien program on the television. Wow, Tooru. Attractive. Not to mention he's laying on their couch upside down, and his hair looks almost as messy as Kuro's does.

"Kuro, you're back! How was. . ." Tooru turns around while speaking with his mouth full, and stops once he sees me. "Kenma!" He exclaims, and I think this is the most flustered I've ever seen him. "You're here!" I walk in like I own the place, and sit down.

"Tooru, you disgust me," I say with a frown. He chokes, trying to protest. I look at Kuro. "Now somebody give me food."

()()()()()()()()()()

_"You know what I did when I was your age, Kuroo?" Koutarou (Bokuto) laughed. Kuro sighed. We all sighed, if I'm being honest._

_"What?" Kuro asked, sounding worn out and annoyed._

_I remember, we were having a training camp before Karasuno was getting invited to them, and we were having a brief relaxation period. It was the second to last day of the training camp, and the entire week long time, Koutarou had been annoying Kuro with 'you know what i did when I was your age?' Jokes. Koutarou is roughly a month or two older than Kuro, so he would just say that he did a month ago._

_He found it hilarious. We all kind of wanted to hit him by the end of that training camp, just to make him lay off. There is such a thing as overpaying a song, and such a thing as oversaying a joke. Koutarou was definitely doing the latter._

_At least he found a new thing to say each time._

_"Well," Koutarou drawled out, enjoying the attention of everyone. "When I was your age, I Actually gathered up the balls to confess to my love, and they said yes! You should try it with your . . . Someone special." After that, everyone pressed Kuro for details._

_Who was this romantic interest? Are they hot? Is he in love? All of those were questions that people asked Kuro, along with more that I don't even remember. I remember wondering why everyone cared so much. Kuro dated a new girl almost every week, having an interest in a new person was not exactly an out of the ordinary thing for Kuro._

I used to think that all these times that some of our friends would tease Kuro about being ' in love ' with someone it was just hem being stupid and teasing him about his latest romantic interest. But ever since that night a week ago. . . I can't help but think about those moments and remember them in a completely different light.

It's probably really stupid to think so. I mean, after all, he could have been talking about someone else. . . Well, no. He couldn't. He's never called anyone kitten but me. Or an actual baby cat, but that's just because it's a literal kitten. I'm just his kitten.

Oh god. Just that thought makes me wish, which I hate. Whenever I blush I feel like some stereotypical teenage girl thinking about or talking to her crush. That annoys the absolute living shit out of me, I hate feeling stupid like that.

Still, he could have meant head over heels in some different, strange. . . American? Way. Yeah. Be could have simply been using the term in a weird American way. Americans are really weird, I can see them twisting around that saying that way.

But that still feels like I'm bullshitting my self. Like I'm giving excuses so that i don't have to face an absurdly scary thought. That Kuro might love me back.

For most people, the idea that the person they are in love with feeling similarly to them is good news. It makes them happy, makes them want to run up to them and kiss them all dramatic like. Snog like there's no tomorrow and all that relationship-y stuff. The thing is, I've never been good at anything even remotely close to being in a relationship.

In fact, I tend to ruin anything that might even come close to being a relationship before anything even happens.

So what if I do that with Kuro? What if (and I'm really just hopelessly letting myself daydream here) Kuro has feelings for me. So. . . ? What am I supposed to do then? Ask him out? We already go out, just as friends. Cuddle with him? We already do that a lot as well. Kiss him? Well, that would be new.

But what if I ruin our relationship, simultaneously ruining my friendship with him? That might kill me. Though, I suppose I already technically sort of ruined outer friendship once. In a way. God, I swear, I am the worst friend in the entire history of anyone who has ever had a friend or been a friend to anyone at all ever. I'm really a bad friend. I suck.

Then there's another worry. What if I gather the courage I have within myself (not much if I'm being completely and utterly honest) and confront him. Probably with some half-assed line that sounds ridiculous, or maybe a question that sounds accusatory and rude. Then, what if he actually doesn't feel for me that way? Things would be strange, and it would be my fault.

Maybe it's just better if I pretend I never heard him in the first place.

 


	8. If I Said I'd Miss You, Would You Make A Mistake?

For a little time during high school, there was this time period when I used to get super nervous around Kenma. It was a little while after my realisation that I was in so deep, so hopelessly in love with him. My palms would get all sweaty, and I'd stutter a bit. I think Kenma thought I was going through some extremely weird phase of puberty. There was one time, though, when I had to push that aside to help Kenma, and it was what eventually pushed me out of the weird awkward phase.

_It All happened in a small window of time, but it felt like a small eternity. Not a good one either, not in any way, shape, or form. Well, I suppose it did push me out of my weird phase. It was on a regular day during the phase, and I was a second year at Nekoma._

_We had been walking to the gym from school, going to Volleyball practise, when some boys I didn't know ran up to us out of nowhere. Kenma saw them, and tensed up. Then he sighed, like he was really tired and really tired of these boys. I wondered if they were annoying friends from another class._

_"Hey Kenma!" One of them with black hair sneered. Kenma ignored him very obviously, speeding up his walking pace in a just barely noticeable fashion. So. . . Not friends? Did that mean they were just annoying classmates. Oh, they were probably paired with Kenma for an assignment._

_All those perfectly normal scenarios and explanations for the boys sudden appearances were changed to nothing when one of them walked right in front of him, and promptly spit in Kenma's face. "Faggot." The boy said, venom in his voice. The other boys each contributed an insult._

_I stood still in shock for an entire second, before rushing over to Kenma, hands clenched into fists. I pushed the boy away. "Hey! What's the bright idea?!" I was enraged already, but then the black haired boy had to laugh. He laughed. I took a menacing step forward, and Kenma tugged on my sleeve. I looked back at him, my fists still clenched._

_"Can you just forget about it, Kuro? Let's just go to practice," Kenma practically begged me. I was torn, and the boys were still laughing. I wanted to pound each and every one of their faces in for thinking they could get away with being that rude to my best friend. Kenma wiped away the spit with one of his sleeves, the other hand still tugging at me. "It's just not worth it," he practically whispered._

_"Awe, are you about to leave us, Kuro?" One of the boys said in a mocking tone. I turned to the boys, my anger spiking up yet again. I narrowed my eyes at them, exercising all the self control I had not to lunge foreword and punch them all into oblivion. I could have, I was obviously stronger than all of them combined._

_"Shut. Up. And leave Kenma alone," I spat out. I could feel my fingernails digging into my skin due to how hard I was clenching my fists. I'm sure they were completely white, my fists, that is. The black haired boy raised an eyebrow at me. I was soo ready to go on all of them._

_"Oh really? And what are you, his boyfriend?" He said it menacingly and I heard Kenma sigh behind me. It sounded partly annoyed, partly really, really tired. I hadn't walked with him to practice in a while due to the little funk I was in. Was this all because I had more or less ignored him?_

_"No." I replied, still hardly hanging on to my self control. He smirked, and grabbed Kenma by the wrist before I could react, dragging him close._

_"You won't mind this, then will you?" He asked, before forcibly kissing Kenma with obvious tongue. The black haired boy groped Kenma's butt roughly, and snarled at me through the kiss. Kenma was still in shock and before I could rip the guy away from my kitten, Kenma had punched the black haired boy square in the face._

_Then he let me go off on them. Let's just say I never even saw those boys again, much less saw them with Kenma._

Anyway, I got past that phase when I realised Kenma needed me to not be flustered around him, and I pushed all previous nerves away. He was still Kenma. Still my best friend, love didn't have to change a single thing.  I also realised that Kenma was suffering a bit because of me, which really pushed me out of the strange phase.

I don't know why, but I think Kenma is going through a phase like I did. Obviously it's harder to notice with him, but this past week since that night on the roof he's been. . . Weird. I hope that nothing is wrong with him, but it's honestly really hard to tell.

Even with me, he hides so much behind his mask of indifference. If something was seriously wrong, would he even tell me? I hope that he would. I wish Kenma understood that no matter what he does, I want him. And not just in the sexual, physical way.

I want to be the one to make him tea when he's had a bad day, or whenever really. I want to wake up next to him, and fall asleep with him. I want to hold his hand, I want to taste his lips. I want him to want me. I want him to know that I love him, and more than anything I want neither of us to leave the other again.

I remember what I said to him a week ago on the roof. "I'm too head over heels to ever leave again, Kitten." And I meant every word of it. I'll never abandon Kenma again, not unless he actually says to me to my face that he wants me to fuck off. To leave him alone. That's what I meant with my pathetic, small, cowardly confession. Not that he heard it or anything. That tiny confession is the furthest I'll ever get to actually confessing to Kenma.

Who knows if I'll ever actually gather the courage to tell him?

()()()()()()()()()()

**Kuro: hey kitten, want to hang out?**

**Kenma: So you're asking? I thought that this thing worked out where you just show up at my place and tell me I don't have a choice.**

**Kuro: well I totaly woud, but i kinda dont know where u live**

**Kenma: I don't know why I'm hesitant to tell you.**

**Kuro: Is that sarcasm cuz I can never tell over text**

**Kenma: It's an art form, excuse you.**

**Kuro: . . . So can I have your address?????? Plz kenma-kitten?**

**Kenma: Ugh, fine.**

**Kuro: you know u love md**

**Kuro: me***

**Kuro: pretend I did it right the 1st time**

**Kenma: No thanks. What kind of friend would I be then?**

**Kuro: a good one?**

**Kenma: Negative.**

**Kuro: Awe, but kitten I'm always so amaz to you, and nicce!!!!!!**

**Kenma: You suck.**

**Kenma: Don't you dare say "you swallow."**

**Kuro: You swallow.**

**Kenma: Why are we friends.**

()()()()()()()()()()

I don't know exactly what I expected when Kenma gave me his address. To show up at a dorm? To show up and have him throw himself into my arms? To be able to find where he lived?

Look, I'm not saying I got lost on the way to Kenma's apartment. . . But I soo got lost on the way to Kenma's apartment. It's not my fault! He lives in which weird area, where the streets twist seemingly in on themselves, and the buildings look like they're about to topple.

I was expecting Kenma's apartment building to be more clean. While I'm sure his actual apartment is ridiculously in contrast to this entire building, I don't think I can picture Kenma even walking through these main doors. I swear, everyone looks shady. Is this place even safe for Kenma? He's a small guy. He could easily get hurt, or taken advantage of by some low life awful person.

Actually. . . Ever since that incident in second year with those bullies that had followed Kenma around and tormented, Kenma stood up for him self more. Not that he had to, really, because I always tried my best to not unconsciously avoid Kenma due to my conflicted feelings concerning him. I knew what happened the first time, I wasn't letting that happen to him ever again.

But still. . . He didn't let people push him over as much after that. Not to say that he was a doormat ever, but he had a habit of not raising a fuss about any particular thing that bothered him if he didn't feel like it was actually worth putting up a fuss. If it wasn't worth it, he would just make himself not care, or at the least try to.

Overall I'm not that worried about him taking care of him self. I always notice these things too late, but we really have grown up. We're both done with high school, and we're both almost done with college. I have a job and a life, and I'm sure that he does too. A thought strikes me that stops me in my tracks in front of the stairs for the building. (Kenma lives on the fourth floor of the building, and I try to always take the stairs. Just another thing I do to help me stay in shape.)

What if the reason that he ignored me, no, pushed me out of his life was because he realized all this before I did?

Kenma has always been smarter than me, that's no secret. It's also not a thing for him to pretend that he's a little angel or something, never really has been. He's also been known to manipulate people to do things for him that he can't or doesn't want to do. Not out of malice, out of laziness. What if. . . ?

What if during our friendship Kenma was just manipulating me? He's certainly smart enough to. And I can see the motive behind it. I mean, he has always sort of been. . . Not weaker than me, or less than me, but not as driven as me. And I. . . I was always happy to help him.

I shake my head, starting to climb the stairs. Kenma wouldn't do that, I'm just being stupid and weird.

When I get to Kenma's floor, I walk down the hallway till I come to his door. I feel conflicted. Do I knock, or should I just walk in? When we were still in high school, this wouldn't even be a question. I'd just walk in, it was always that simple. But now. . . Things are still a bit unclear, a bit tense. Even though I know him, I really do, he's simultaneously a stranger.

I knock three times, and there's no answer. I debate just walking in, but try knocking a few more times. "Kenma?" I call a bit quietly. "Kenma?" I repeat, just louder. I grumble and sigh, and gently try the door. It's open I push it open to see an apartment that does not fit my image of what Kenma's apartment would look like. Then again, has any part of this apartment fit my mental image?

I look few some of the rooms, looking to see if maybe Kenma fell asleep somewhere odd. He's absolutely no where. I'm about to give up when I hear the door open, and footsteps. I whirl around, Kenma's name on my lips. I don't speak it though, I just stare.

"Tetsu," he says, looking surprised. "Why the fuck are you in my apartment?" I clear my throat. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. I laugh a little bit, nervously. Why did this have to happen to me? The name of the person who this apartment must belong to forms on my lips, and leaves in a question.

"Kei?"

 


	9. If I Said I'd Miss You, Would You Help Me Understand?

I'm not surprised very easily. Let me just say, it takes quite a lot. I'm usually able to make connections and educated guesses before other people do, and I anticipate a lot of things before they actually happen. And sometimes, even if I don't consciously predict an occurrence, I usually am not surprised when I'm told something, because I can understand it and I can see how it all connects.

So, it's serious when I say that hearing about Kei and Kuro's little fling (the American-Affair or whatever it is that they named it), I was completely caught unawares.

The way I found out may have impacted my surprise as well. Kuro had been late in coming to my apartment. He was panting when I opened my door. I assumed he just ran up the stairs, but then when I asked him, he said, "Um, no. I walked up the stairs, I was panting be cause I ran as fast as I could from. . . Um. . . Kei." I felt one of my eyebrows rising at that, and asked why.

Sure, I knew Kei lived in the same building, even on the same floor as me. I just had no idea why Kuro ran from him. He seemed to expect me to know immediately, so after telling me it was Kei he simply walked away in my apartment, commenting on it.

("You still have that bookshelf? You read? Ha, I see dust. Oh, I like that chair! Wow, your apartment is really monochrome, Kenma. Oh wait- is that a picture of our Nekoma team! Awesome! Is this other picture from your third year? Shit, I wish I could've been there when you graduated, I was doing finals I think. Sucks, right? Oh! Is that a tiny cat sculpture?! I want it!")

It wasn't until I cornered him while he was in my kitchen (looking out the window and commenting on the unappealing view as if I wasn't quite aware of how disgusting and visually a turn off that street is) and asked him about it that he realized I didn't understand. "Kuro," I started, careful to phrase my words carefully, "why were you running from Kei?"

He turned to me, eyebrows furrowed in slight confusion. His eyes suddenly got wide, and he looked slightly sheepish, anxious, and unsure all at once, rolled into a large emotion burrito. He bit his lip and scrunched up his face, like he had just smelled something bad.

"Oh, Um. You. . . Wouldn't know about that, would you? Eh, well. . . " by then I was getting frustrated, and he was scratching the back of his head. Why was he so averse to talking about it? Was it because of something I missed while I was busy being a shitty friend? If so, I just wanted him to say it. I was tired of him tip toeing around the subject, like it never  happened.

Looks I don't like it either, but it did. We both have to come to full grips with it, accept it, and move on if we're ever going to really repair our friendship. And that is something I actually really, really want to happen.  Preferably sooner than later, but I can be patient if the situation requires for me to.

"Spit it out, Kuro," I said. He sighed incredibly over dramatically.

"Fiiiiine, it was just. . . Kinda. . . "

"During that time?"

"Yeah."

"Its okay Kuro, really. The fault is on my part, you don't have to sugar coat the situation. Just tell my why you were running from Kei, I'm starting to get really curious concerning that." At those particular words, Kuro seemed to calm down a bit, and then he smirked.

"Oh ho ho, so I got you interested, did I?" He wiggled his eyebrows in a overly ridiculous suggestive manner, and I hit his arm lightly.

"Get your head out of your ass, Kuro. It's not a hat." At those words he laughed, and I had to work to keep myself from laughing, and I hid a tiny smile by ducking my head. "Now tell me, you insufferable twat."

He did a pretend hurt face. "Kenma! You wound me!"

"Kuro."

"Fine, fine. Getting to that. Kei and all that. . . Fun stuff." He ran his fingers through his hair and lightly bit his lip again in thought. I had to keep my mind out of the gutter and on a certain surly blonde named Tsukishima Kei. After all, that was what I asked about. I didn't care about the way his thinking face was stupidly hot/cute. I didn't wonder what it would be like to his the lips he was biting. No, no. Not even a little bit. Not at all, not in the slightest way.

(Okay, so maybe I thought about it a little.)

"Alright, soo," he crawled our the so, and had started to use his hands while he talked as well. I've always found it insufferably cute when he does that. "When I was in, what? Third year of college? Yeah, ish. Anyway, I was just doing my thing, being all cool and Kuroo, when I bumped into the one and only Tsukishima Kei at a random park that I would run at. Gotta keep my stamina, ya know." He winked at the last words.

"Fuck off," I said jokingly shoving him lightly again. He laughed again, and it was nice.

"Sorry, I couldn't help it. The opportunity came, and. . ." He shrugged. "Anyway, so I talked to Kei for a while, and we decided to go out to this indie band concert that Kei's American friend gave him tickets to. We talked more there, and. . . well, stuff happened. We had some chemistry, and started dating."

I had expected Kuro to say he had a falling out with Kei. That Kei had been an asshole, or Kuro had been an asshole, or they had both been assholes. Something along the lines of that. That it had been a place with a high concentration of asshole action (and not in the fun way) going on. I hadn't expected Kuro to mention what happened with them as a . . . Romantic sort of thing.

I wanted to shout, "What?!?! You and Kei?!?!" But I didn't. I let him finish, as I figured I'd find out what I was confused about while he was talking about it. Probably while describing their breakup, which was probably awful. (With their personalities, it would be a shitty breakup, messy and stupid. And they were definitely broken up, or Kuro would have mentioned that Kei was his current boyfriend . . . Right?)

"It was . . . Actually pretty nice," he described with a slightly wistful expression on his face. "If worked well, and we were both pretty happy with it. It was never love, but it had the potential to be. That is, if he never left." A bitter expression crossed Kuro's face.

"The only reason Kei was in America was because he was 'discovering him self' or some shit like that. Whatever. I didn't care that much, to be honest. I was really into living in the present, and he was my present at that time." Kuro sighed, and ran his fingers through his hair again making the black bedhead an even bigger mess than it had been just previously.

"He came up to me one day, and said he was moving back to Japan. He had finally realized what his life was missing, and it wasn't me. Well, I took that. . . Kinda badly." I winced. So I was right about how it would be a messy breakup, and that they had broken up in the first place. Still, I hoped Kei hadn't phrased the words he used to breakup with Kuro the way Kuro phrased them. If he did, then that's. . . That's rough. Kinda sadistic to be honest.

And that's coming from the shit friend who ignored his best friend for over three years.

"I may have yelled at him. He may have yelled back. We might ha e cut it off on really bad terms. My last words to him before he left me for what seemed to be forever may have been 'you're a sick, stupid fuck anyway, I never cared about you'." I winced again. Oh god, it got worse than it had already been. And that is really saying something.

"But yeah," Kuro attempted a pained looking smile. "Um, then I see him out of nowhere while looking for your room. And, being a coward, I might have run from him." I sighed.

"You're hopeless."

He shrugged, and smiled a tiny little sheepish smile. Ugh, fuck him and his cuteness! (Literally.) (What? Noo. . .) (Okay maybe a little.) (Just a tiny bit.) "Yeah, but you love me anyway, kitten."

That face in addition to the nickname, kitten, completely internally killed me. Annihilated me, decimated me. Destroyed me and most every little shred I had of resistance to making an actual move on him that could never be passed off as just being friends. Just best friends, never anything at all more. I could never do that, Kuro was. . . Not straight.

He wasn't straight.

I was still kind of drinking in that information, accepting it. Letting it add itself to my image of Kuro in my head, the one I had previously thought to be complete. I guess time really can make you ignorant of things you would otherwise never, ever miss in even a million years. 

For the first time in a long time I let a tiny spring of hope grow In me. After Kuro left hours later, needing to go to his work, I was still thinking about it, even if it was just in the background. Kuro said he was head over heels for me, Kuro wasn't the straight man I had always thought him to be. I actually had a chance.

As time was going by, it has become more apparent. I stare up at my ceiling right now, and it's probably 12:000 A.M but I honestly don't give a single flying fuck. Because. . . Kuro might love me as more. Kuro might never make a move if I don't. Kuro is definitely not straight. Kuro, Kuro, Kuro.

In high school, I tried to crush my hopes as soon as they started growing. I was stone cold sober certain that Kuro was straight, and only viewed me as his best friend. That that was the only way he would ever think of me. But if he is in love with me, which is still unlikely in my opinion, it must have been before the time when I ignored him.

I mean, there is a possibility that he really only realized his feelings for me (which might be nonexistent, I still need to keep that in mind to keep my mind sane) over that long gap of time, that they grew and blossomed then, but I don't think that's what happened. (If anything even happens at all, all of this mind-melting over thinking might be over nothing.)

Kuro might have loved me for a long time.

Kuro dated Tsukishima Kei.

They broke up.

Kuro is, in fact, single.

Kuro is also not straight.

Kuro might love me.

And I definitely love him.

I fall asleep with his name on my lips and his face in my mind.

 


	10. If I Said I'd Miss You, Would You Pretend You Didn't Hear Me?

Some days are quieter than others. Over the years, it's become apparent. I know I'm dense, but I can think sometimes, so bear with me. I especially think a bit deeper on the grand scale of things on days like this too, so watch out for a bit of ocean. Some days are louder than others, and not just because of volume. Because the world is positively exploding with action, with life, with sound. Every single day, every single minute, every single second is chock full and oozing sound. So don't get me wrong and think that I'm talking about sound here.

I'm talking about the days when everything feels muffled, even your own two eyes. The green of those plants yesterday has all but wilted, whether it's actually wilting or not. Everything feels a bit clumsy, blocky, and you just want to hide in your bed. Make all the weird feelings go away. Because it's not really the feelings that bother you.

It's the lack.

I'm talking about the days when you dug your fingernails into your palms to convince yourself that, yes, you are alive. You're not dreaming, this is reality. Those days when you panic be cause you feel cut off from everything, but you can't even really feel the panic that you know you're experiencing in some far off land inside your head.  Those days when you aren't happy, sad, or angry. You aren't annoyed at the neighbor's noise, or smiling at the sun.

The days when you can't feel a fucking thing.

And it's a muffled sort of terrifying, because you can't even really feel that emotion with the others. You want to feel something in the very core of your being, but you can't find it inside yourself to. Fuck, you can't find anything inside of yourself at all. You almost want to inflict pain on yourself to convince yourself that you're alive.

And that's what really scares you.

I never experienced these kinds of days when I was in high school, but Kenma did. Sometimes his eyes seemed glassy even when I somehow managed to coax a smile onto his face, small but there. He would talk less, and he would stare at everything. Walls, my eyes, his games. It was like he was an autopilot, desperately trying to get back into control but unable to for unknowing reasons. He would tell me about it sometimes, and I would just have to try and be there for him. I couldn't empathize.

But now I can. Ever since college started, those days have occurred more often than they had even seemed to happen with Kenma. There are different kinds of being scared. And there kinds of days. . . They scare me in a way I don't get scared. In a way that utterly chills my bones, in a way that makes taking even a step forward the most life threatening thing out there. In a way that I hate feeling.

So yeah. I might be having one of those days, the eerie ones where it's quieter than others in the most sickening, mind numbing way.

I woke up like this. I prepared for work in an irregular fashion. I didn't stub my toe on a single piece of my furniture. I didn't accidentally wake up Oikawa. I went from making my bed to making my breakfast and coffee seamlessly. I glided across my floors, and I was out and headed off to work right on the schedule I almost always lagged behind.

I didn't smile or laugh once at work, or if I did I was entirely fake. The kind of smile of laugh that can fool the general populace, but if you look closer is riddled with lies and hallow where there should be a steady core. I simply did my job. When my co-workers invited me to go the place we get lunch at every day, I politely declined. Something about lack of sleep, or a need to get what was in front of me finished immediately.

The kind of excuse that everyone makes, no one believes, and people pretend that they fall for it. Every. Single. Damn. Day. Why do we even pretend we believe things like that anymore? Out of hope that it's genuine, out of hope that the world is isn't as fucked up as you think? Or maybe just not as fucked up as yourself?

Yeah, that's probably it.

When I got back to my apartment, Oikawa wasn't there. Ha, like that's a surprise at all. Most nights he spends at "Iwa-chan's" and he still expects me to not suspect that they have something going on. Hell, no one even suspects anymore, we just know. They're so transparent about the fact that they're together, but they still try to use that transparent sheen as a wall.

Are they trying to shield them, or us? Eh, probably neither. I'm giving Oikawa too much credit for actually thinking things through. Then again, who am I to talk? Also, he's practically a teenage girl hidden inside the body of a hot, nerdy fool. He most likely over thinks things till he's turning on his favorite alien move to calm him self down.

He left a little blue square of a sticky note on our fridge, reading "I'm at iwa's, don't worry your head off about me ;)" I honestly might've felt like throwing up. Then again, I low key felt like that all day. Just low key, though, because I couldn't feel anything. Not really, not in the way I was searching for so desperately I wished I could just cry or die.

Moving my body to function enough and make a dinner, let alone eat it, seemed like too much of a struggle. Instead, I simply walked like a zombie to my room. That's where I am now, simply staring at my ceiling. There's a small patch of darker ceiling, and I wonder why. But not really, I don't know if I actually care. I feel like I'm everywhere and nowhere, but not really because I don't feel at all.

It's like being numb in the cruelest sense there is.

()()()()()()()()()()

"Kuroo? Are you alright?" Oikawa's voice isn't usually soft like this. "I just- came back to get my Alien movie, well, three of them, and. .  . You're usually still up at ten." I turn my self over on my bed, and look up at Oikawa. He seems worried.

I try to wave him off.

"Tooru, I just. . . had a busy day at work. It was tiring, so I'm going to sleep." Again. It's the excuse that by now everyone should know is fake as hell, but we all nod and say okay anyway. We all pretend that we actually believe the whole 'I'm just a bit tired, that's all' ruse. Why do we pretend? At least Oikawa will buy the excuse, and leave me alone to wallow in nothingness.

. . . Oikawa doesn't buy it.

"With your clothes and shoes still on?" He questions, raising an eyebrow. I'm fucked, aren't I? His expression says : Yes, yes you are. Deal with it.

"Reeeeeaally tired." I try to stretch the excuse just a little bit farther than before, even though it just sounds less believable. Maybe he'll leave me alone. Do I want to be left alone right at this moment? I. . . I don't actually know. I'm just. . . Having a weird day. One of my quieter days. That's all.

Even the loudest and most energetic of people take breaks sometimes. I used to not, but life has a funny way of proving everything you once thought about yourself at a younger than current age wrong, and then going and repeating the cycle when you think you've made even a little, tiny bit of progress. I just want to sleep. I think. It's hard to think coherently when your head feels like it's been filled with fluff and you can't tell what emotion you're feeling because you're simply not feeling anything.

Don't get me wrong, I want to feel something. I really, really do. But it's hard, because even the amount that I want to feel something is muffled, and drowned out with quiet. A deathly, still, mental quiet. A quiet that is the fine line line between insanity and clarity. Nothing is ever more crystal clear and nothing is more confusing.

It's a dangerous line to walk, but some days I can't seem to walk anywhere but the line, even when I simply want to step of the tightrope and get to a sure side. Insanity, sure. Clarity, sure. But in between? It's just a plain and simple torture, like being pulled apart at the seams and being compressed in a really completely uncomfortable way.

Oikawa looks at the ceiling a moment, looking somewhat deep in thought. He bites his lip, then, out of nowhere, flops on top of me where I'm laying down. "Oikawa!" I exclaim. "Get your fat ass off of me!" Oikawa laughs.

"Oh give it up, Kuroo, we all know that everyone loves my ass. Anyone else would die to be in your position." I roll my eyes, but strangely some of the cotton encasing and caging my thought clears away. Just a little bit, not even close to a lot, but enough to count.

"Not me! Don't you have to go run to "Iwa-chan" or whatever?!" I mock his nickname, hoping it'll make him be offended (or at least fake-offended) enough to remove himself from his seated position on top of me. It doesn't work, he just laughs gaily again. Completely and utterly carefree in every single nature.

Consider me a bit jealous. These days, I care way to much than I'd like. I care about my job, and I work my ass off getting raises and achieving stuff for it because it actually matters to me. I care about my friends, and I care about seeing them all Chase ridiculously after their silver-lining dreams, I want them to succeed. I care about my family, I want only the best for them in every thing that happens with them or even slightly concerning them. I care about people in general, I care about the planet, I care about so much.

I care a crazy amount about Kenma. He's my friend, but he's also managed to create his own little niche In my heart. Not recently, he made that niche years ago, and just recently has he designed to re-occupy it an drive me crazy by consequence. Does he even know the ridiculous lengths to which I care for him? I doubt he's even really considered it, he always underrates him self. It's actually really sad, because he's ridiculously amazing.

God, I could go on for years about all the wonderful and awe inspiring traits and virtues that belong to none other than Kozume Kenma, my Kitten. He has a casual sort of beauty, the kind that does its best to slip under your radar. Then, when you least expect it you're faced with sparkling gold eyes and a tight at your sleeve. You're faced with sarcasm, and laughing your ass off while he tries to hide his beautiful smile. You're faced with intelligence, cold and cunning and a little bit terrifying and a lot a bit hot.

And it's too late to even think about trying to put up any sort of wall, because by then he already knows exactly how you would make them and the fastest way to breathtakingly tear them down with a few simple words.

"Iwa-chan can and will get over the fact that, tonight, I'm spending some time cheering you up." Oikawa states it calmly, in the kind of voice I know that he used to use when he was the captain of his Aoba team. There were a few times when I low-key spied on their practices, and he had a very good captain voice. Authoritative, firm, and just demanding enough to make people give it their all.

"I don't need cheering up, asshole." I say the words gruffly, while pushing Tooru off of me and sitting up. He's standing now, so it didn't do much to help the discomfort I sometimes get from having to look up at someone. What? I'm not used to it. I'm a naturally tall guy, looking up to someone (physically at least) can make me feel weird and small in a way I don't like at all. "I'm not sad."

"Sure," Oikawa drawls out, in a way that very clearly lets me know that he doesn't believe me at all In the slightest little bit. Ugh, killjoy. Well, not really. Given my current attitude, I guess that the title of killjoy would actually go to me. . . Ew. "Well, either way I don't care. You're overdue for some extra incredibly special Tooru-Time any way."

Oikawa sucks. Literally.

(Not me though. We're both (more or less) taken men.)

()()()()()()()()()()

Oikawa and I let out the manliest screams ever (okay, maybe a little girly, so what. Get over it.) in unison. When the final credits for the movie are scrolling down the screen, I'm still more or less catching my breath. "You fucker, Tooru! You said it wasn't a horror movie!" I chide him.

"I thought it was just aliens! The movie is called alien! What was I supposed to think!?" He defends himself. Then, like the snapping of a string, we're laughing our heads off.

"Oh my fucking God, your face was priceless!" I cackle. He teases me in return, and I just barely notice that all the cotton in my head left. Oikawa's presence seemed to have chased it out like fire chasing a wolf. This smile. . . It isn't at all forced. Is Tooru a miracle worker or something?

"Hey, Kuroo. . ." Oikawa starts. I turn to him, and face him. He sounded more serious than a few seconds previous.

"Yeah?"

"It's good to see you smiling again."

". . . Oikawa?"

"Yeah, Kuroo?"

"Thanks."

"Always."

Friends really are great, aren't they?

 


	11. If I Said I'd Miss You, How Could I Reach Out?

There's a funny thing about addictions. A lot of times, you don't think anything is wrong. You live your life altered to suit the growing poison in your life, and after a while it seems completely normal. It habitual. The addiction is only a part of you, and who says it's a bad part?

Of course, the reason you might see your addiction in a better light is that you don't want it to be a bad thing. A lot of times, you want the addiction to not even count as an addiction. You want the addiction to be a good thing, something that actually benefits your life, something that causes you to grow as a better person, something that shapes you in a beautiful way. And yeah, it might be shaping up to be a disaster, but disasters can be beautiful, even awe inspiring.

The truth is, thought, that the addiction is destroying you, bit by bit. It's the most mind numbingly accepting type of annihilation, the kind that almost becomes an entirely new experience, an entirely new kind of addiction. The process of being slowly and steadily killed by the addiction is subtle but completely out there simultaneously, and it's a crazy kind of carefully and reckless rolled together.

Addiction will cloud your mind, it will make you do things you would've never done previous to the introduction of whatever drug or habit you latch on to. But what can possibly kill you faster is not being weaned off of it, but being dragged away from it kicking and screaming. The withdrawals shake you in the most torturous way. You need another fix. You need it, and you need to get it now.

That's how I was with Kuro. He was my drug, charming and comforting and everything that I ever needed. He worked to make me happy, to make our friendship work. He was my addiction, and, unbeknownst to me, it was slowly and quietly killing me and rotting me away to the utter core in the most satisfactory of ways.

I put my self through withdrawals. I felt like nothing when he left, when I cut off our connections with each other. Maybe I was subconsciously aware of the poison that was running free through my veins because of him. Maybe I'm just a stupid asshole. There's quite a few possibilities. All I really know is that by separating myself from him so abruptly and painfully I left several deep scars on both him and me.

I eventually more or less recovered. I was almost through with college when he arrived in my life again. My life was organised. I had it rehearsed, I was going to publish my shit book, and hopefully write more. Possibly design some video games.

A few days ago I scrapped my entire manuscript.

That's just the kind of effect the drug of Kuro has on me. He unconsciously pushes me to be a better person, or at least he pushes me to push myself to try to produce better results. He unconsciously pushed me to try way harder at volleyball than I ever would have. I can feel the poison running through my veins again, disrupting every little habitual bit of me that was programmed and that I thought I knew well enough to control.

Unlike those times before my withdrawals from him, I'm completely aware of f the way he's casually obliterating me this time. It's the kind of razing that makes you tilt your head back and beg for more of your glorious drug.

A lot of times, a recovered drug addict will die if they succumb to their addiction again. They will finish their path down the road of destruction, and it will suddenly be all over for them, all their work to recover completely trashed, scrapped.

I'm willing to let that happen.

Destroy me, Kuro. Wear me out till I'm only a shell. Annihilate me, obliterate me.

In the end it will all have been worth it. Every mind numbing moment.

Every reckless wish on a star I knew wasn't listening.

Every sickening moment of closeness that made me ache for more.

Every small smile, every broken laugh.

He makes me want to write again. I want to fill up pages, I want to experience my hand cramping up around a pen, I want to show it to him. I want to make someone think. I want to make everyone second guess everything, and not necessarily in a pessimist way.

I haven't genuinely wanted to write again since I changed my major in second year to focus on my writing.

He's the best Lind of addiction, the most savior type of poison.

Every moment with him is incredible.

Every brick of the walls I built being taken down by him is salvation.

It's all worth it.

The pain.

The doubt.

The beauty.

The wonder.

Every

Last

Bit.

()()()()()()()()()()

"Yes!" Is the first word out of Tooru's mouth. Before I even walked through the door of their apartment to talk to him I low-key already regretted coming, and now that feeling is just even more firmly cemented inside of me. God, I should've chosen to talk to someone else. Anyone else, any one I better than Tooru-

Actually, no. Lev is technically an option. I take it back, Tooru is an alright option after all. I'm really seeing all the virtues and stuff. Yeah.

Anyway, I came to Tooru and Kuro's apartment when I knew that Kuro was going to be at work. I texted Tooru if he would be there, and he replied fast. I guess he was excited to see me again? I don't know, I think people kind of over rate me, I don't understand why people want to see me sometimes. I'm a bit of a buzzkill, and not a the most situational person.

"Ken-chan!" He exclaimed when I entered the door.

"Please, don't ever call me that again, Tooru." I said, already wishing to 've out the door. But I was a man on a mission, in a sense. See, I was going to Tooru for. . . Advice. I hate to say it, because Tooru is not good at giving advice at all, but it was about something that I had deduced he would know a bit about.

He laughed a carefree peal of laughter. "Alright, fine. What did you want to ask me?" At that I anxiously scratched my wrist a bit absent mindedly. It's a bad habit of mine to scratch my wrists, my hands, my thighs. It's a nervous tick that anyone who knows me at least a little bit knows, and even though everyone keeps trying to get me to stop, I can't.

I literally can't help it, okay?

He noticed my anxious behavior and casually snatched my fingers away from wrist where it was scratching and didn't even comment on it. Well, kudos to him for not mentioning it, at least. It's really annoying when people think that they can completely change your behaviors and little habits with just a few stupid words that they believe are the rules to a good, fulfilled, and overall happy life.

"Well," I start, my voice still a bit shaky even though I know I'm perfectly fine with Tooru and there's no reason at all for me to be quite this nervous, or even close, "it's . . . it's about Kuro, actually." My voice got pretty soft near the end of the sentence, but Tooru heard me anyway. I actually appreciate that, I didn't want to admit I needed advice about the guy who used to be my best friend. He's still my best friend. So, it's a bit embarrassing to need help concerning the person who you should practically know inside and out.

That's where my appreciation ends. Sure, he didn't make me repeat myself because of how soft and quiet my voice had gotten, but he did exclaim, "Kuroo? Why do you need help with him?! Ooh, is it a secret? Is it juicy? Tell me, Kenma! Tell me, tell me, tell me!" God. I could get a headache just hearing Tooru's name sometimes.

"Ugh. You're exhausting just to be around," I complained, low-key trying to distract him from what I had just said to him concerning my best friend. Sadly, he didn't take the bait like I was slightly (maybe a bit more than just slightly) hoping for him to. He gestured to the chair nearby to sit in, though.

"Oh, no, no. You are not distracting me, Ken-chan." He smirked.

"I'm going to walk out that door if you fucking call me that one more time." It's was more or less an empty-ish threat, but Tooru didn't especially need to have that knowledge, now did he?

"No, Kenma! I'll be nice, I swear! Just tell meeeeee the juicyyyyyyy deeeeeeeeeeetails," He whined out, and I sighed. Being around Oikawa Tooru is like running a marathon and not even walking any of it. Or even just hearing someone talk about running a marathon and not walking even a little bit. It's like getting all worn and tired out merely by the suggestion, just by association with him you feel like you could just fall over at any moment.

"Fine. But please, don't . . . I don't know. Tease me, or something like that." Tooru rolled his eyes at that last part.

"Oh come on, Ken . . . ma. Does that really seem like something little 'ol me would do?" To that I simply raised my eyebrows, and he grumbled something incoherent. Whatever. "Alright, so . . . What is it?"

I took a deep breath. This was going to be the first time I would really admit my feelings for Kuro to anyone, and I was fucking nervous. "Well, I've, um, been dealing with this thing for a while, and . . . For a while I pushed it away, you know? I nearly forgot about it, but I couldn't really, and. . ."

I trailed off when I saw what he was looking at me like. Tooru's face was a mixture of confusion, hope, and very slight disgust. "Kenma, you're gonna have to be a bit more descriptive if I'm going to know what you're talking about. Saying 'stuff' and 'thing' doesn't really help. At all."

I buried my face in my hands. Did I really still want to do this? I didn't know. Maybe I should've been telling Kuro about the feelings first, after all, they did impact his life in a somewhat major way, or at least minor way that was major. I don't know. It's important, alright?

"I might be in love with someone?" I mumbled the tiny confession into my hands, and this time even Tooru's sharp-as-a-hawk hearing couldn't save me from the humiliation and nerve wrecking process of repeating my self.

"What was that, Kenma?" Tooru asked. At least he was being patient with me, right? That's better than Lev, who would practically shake me in excitement and in an attempt to get an answer. Better than Shoyou too, who would probably barrage me with questions and energy without ever letting me answer a single one of his questions.

Now there's a person who can exhaust you at the mere thought of them. God, that ginger can be an annoying little tiring shit sometimes, you know?

"I might. . . have feelings for . . ." I trailed off again, and Too try raised his eyebrow as his face was quickly growing more and more decorated with pure and undisguised mischievous glee. Oh shit, I started thinking. Was this really a good idea?

" . . . Romantic feelings?" I nodded. "For?"

" . . . Kuro?"

A moment of silence. "Yes!" Is the first word out of Tooru's mouth, and now we've come full circle and I'm seriously doubting my previous choices. Regret fills me. Oh god, why did I have to confess to Kuro's roommate? What if Tooru royally fails at keeping a secret? What if Kuro finds out? What if he hates me for it?

"Fucking hell, Kenma, you've just made my week," Tooru exclaims. I scrunch up my face a little bit in discomfort. I'm still internally panicking and scrambling around inside of my brain.

"Why?" I ask, after a few seconds. Tooru's grin only widens, and I feel my fear simultaneously shrinking and ballooning, and I'm not exactly sure quite how that is possible, but apparently it now is. Tooru leans toward me a bit.

"Because I have some incredibly good news for you, Kenma." Oh shit. Oh shitity fuck shit. He's going to say some fucking awful thing, isn't he? I swear, I hate Tooru. This was a bad idea. A very, very, very bad idea on my part. All the regrets.

"What?" I'm also regretting asking that, because it makes my heart and mind do that hopeless little hopeful floppy dance inside, and it makes my pulse rate speed up. I can practically taste my hopes about to be crushed by the brutal punch of cruel reality.

Tooru opened his mouth to tell me something. Something he's probably wanted to spit out for awhile, or maybe just something to utterly, undeniably, and not meaning to, crush me into a million little shards of the man-ish boy-ish person known as Kozume Kenma. He's on the precipice of speaking, I can tell. Literally about to speak, the words already prepared when . . . He closes his mouths, and whines like an upset little toddler.

"Awe, he wouldn't want you to know this way," Tooru complained, a prominent frown taking over and scratching across Tooru's face. An almost adorable pout, made not really adorable because of how uncharming he suddenly makes himself when he pushes his lower lip out way too far and low-key looks like a constipated frog.

Wow, Tooru. How incredibly attractive. (Note the almost overwhelming sarcasm.)

He sighs. "This isn't fun or fair at all. But I guess. . ." I suppose by now he's more talking to himself than me, which I don't judge him for. I understand that. I talk to myself subconsciously on a frequent basis, and I don't even really realize it when mumbling to myself anymore. Makes it a little weird when I do it around strangers, especially when I accidentally talk to myself about strangers near the very strangers that are making the topic of my conversation between me, myself, and I.

He grabs my hand, and I look into his eyes. I'm a bit uncomfortable with him grabbing my hand like that, but whatever. He's my friend, I can trust him, I'm perfectly fine. I keep reassuring myself that I'm fine I eternally, that I almost don't notice when Tooru says the one thing I am the most averse to at the moment.

"Look, Kenma. You should tell Kuro about this."

()()()()()()()()()()

And May be by now the poison has found my heart, and is spreading throughout my entire system, because it's everywhere. That's alright, though. I'm not ever pushing away this poison. No, not ever again.

I'm embracing the poison with open arms and a desire to try and redeem myself.


	12. If I Said I'd Miss You, How Long Would It Take For The Sky To Fall?

There are a few things in this world that people tend to forget about. Not necessarily seriously or long term forget things, but the kinds of things where you forget how incredible they are and how little you appreciate them till the moments when the things happen are actually occurring. Like, how you can forget how much you enjoy sitting a certain way till you sit that way again, and it's all "Fuck. This is literal heaven." That kinda thing. Or like how you forget how nice it is for something to happen till it us, and you can't help but feel some overwhelming appreciation.

That's how I feel about Kenma and when it rains.

See, because of Kenma's natural cat-like nature, some people tend to go along with the stereotype and assume that Kenma hates water. It's actually quite the opposite. I swear, there have been more times under the booming thunder claps of storms and rain when Kenma has seemed alive than any other time. (Then again, some people say that he always seems more alive around me, but . . . Eh, whatever. Really.)

The thing is, Kenma doesn't hate the rain. No, not at all. Heh, not even close.

The first real memory I have of seeing him in the rain is vibrant and intense, and only because of him. He always saw more in the rain than I think I can see in anything, except him maybe. Anyway, in this memory we were only young, I think I was only 9 years old, and we were walking home from school.

_I was walking at a regular pace, but Kenma kept lagging behind. After he was really far, I ran back to him. "Hurry up, Kenma!" I exclaimed, grabbing his hand and tugging him along behind me. He dug his feet into the pavement, and I turned to look at him, annoyed. Why was he doing this? Didn't he want to get to his house sooner? Didn't he want to practice volleyball with me in my yard?_

_. . . Maybe he didn't. But still! Why was he being so, so-_

_My thoughts of irritation were cut off by his simple words. "I don't want to miss the rain." His voice was soft, and he started walking again, but at a sluggish pace still. I blinked, slightly astounded, and sighed before following him, reluctantly adapting my feet to go at his pace. Ew, so slow. I wanted to go fast!_

_We were halfway to my house when it started to rain. It was slow at first, with tiny droplets only visible as they were slightly darker against the concrete. Kenma noticed, though, and his face opened up in an entirely new way. He slowed even more, but I didn't mind as much. I was . . . Curious._

_It was just rain. Why did Kenma react so much? I saw a small smile tug at his lips, and his eyes were wide, like he wanted to take it all in while he could. While he still had the chance. And the droplets started getting larger. One landed on his face, and he couldn't hide his smile._

_We were almost to my house when Kenma did it. He leaned so that his entire upper body was open to the sky, closed his eyes, and outstretched his arms. His hair was getting wet, but he obviously didn't care. I could see people scurrying to get out of the rain, but he just smiled and experienced the rain. I was enamored, I was entranced by this. Enraptured._

_I was also, for the first time, the one who was embarrassed for their friend. I dragged Kenma to my house, where he pouted about leaving the rain. I couldn't drag him away from the window for long, where he would gaze at the clouds and quirk his lips at lightning._

_I couldn't understand._

Honestly, I still don't. I mean, what about a bit of hydrogen and oxygen all mixed up together in the right way is so incredibly fascinating, inspiring? Well, what inspires me is Kenma, among other people and things and all other sorts of colourful life.

Still, though I kinda fail at really understanding what it is about rain and storms that lights up Kenma, I can definitely appreciate it. Like one time, when I was a third year and I felt like my world was drawing to a close as my high school year did.

_Volleyball practice had just ended a half an hour ago with a clear sky and the skinniest of suns, but when Kenma and I were only in his room for a few minutes, I noticed from the window fast dark clouds and trees being bandaged by winds. How the fuck . . . ? I thought._

_Kenma noticed as well, and I saw his eyes widen in excitement as he rushed to the window. I still didn't really understand his fascination. But looking at him, the way each book of thunder made him seem to crawl with energy, made each feature of him highlighted. And in the next few moments, I made a choice. Definitely a stupid one._

_"Wanna go experience it?" I offered, if only a little bit tentatively. What can I say? You'd feel more than a bit of hesitation if you were about to set foot in what looked like it was as becoming a hailstorm. But the look on the Kenma's face? The way he let himself smile at me unrestrained, not holding back a single beautiful fucking thing? Oh god._

_That made it worth more than some stupid hail._

_Kenma rushed past me and to the door. I laughed and followed him, letting him simply be free. And I think that is it, really. Humans seek freedom, we're all caged birds. But we know, at least subconsciously, even if we escape the cage there is no where else to go. So we slink back to the cage, and just close our eyes sometimes._

_We can let ourselves do so many things with our eyes closed and our hopes open, our lungs broken but hey, who ever said you needed to breath perfectly to live? And in those moments of closure, you can pretend that you are free down to your utter core, you can wish away the cage and feel nothing. And I think we're all just holding on till we can next close our eyes. Till the next break from reality._

_I think people close their eyes in different ways._

_And I think the rain, for Kenma, is the unspoken way he chose to close his eyes. He can pretend he's free while he's shivering and covered in cumulative raindrops, and he can stretch out his arms and for once not feel iron bars restricting him. His eyes are closed and his heart is beating and he's alive._

_Being free, being alive, closing your eyes. Kind of synonymous terms if you ask me. And if someone did ask me . . . That might just make all the difference._

_I joined Kenma in the rain. It stopped slowly, giving him enough time to really close his eyes, to feel as deeply through his body as he could stand to let himself. I watched him fall apart in seconds, so that he could put himself together again. He may have skipped a few steps and dulled some corners, frayed some ends, but in the end he made himself a masterpiece, simply by closing his eyes._

_And I tried, I really did. I tried with all I had to capture the moment in my brain. To never let it run away, to never slept it out of my grasp. Maybe one day that moment will get to close its eyes, but that moment wasn't coming any time soon._

_I looked over at Kenma, and his open face. Expressionless, yet still holding so many things out in the open for public viewing. I saw him, I really did. I decided to try and understand. So, I copied his stance, tilting my body and leaning back so that my whole torso was exposed to the rain, and I stretched out my arms._

_And, for a moment, I closed my eyes._

I don't know how I ever forgot it, but I did. Just like I said before, you tend to easily forget the things that really make your life feel entirely new, entirely remade, entirely incredible and worth every last pain. And I did forget it. Until a few moments ago.

I wasn't looking to see Kenma, but I saw him on the corner or a street near my apartment. "Hi Kenma!" I shouted, running towards him. He looked uncomfortable that I was so loud in public around people. Oops, sorry Kenma.

"What are you doing around here?" I asked him when I got to him. He shrugged and held out a watch. My watch.

"I don't know how you lost something literally fastened to your wrist, but I found this under my futon in my apartment. I figured you would want it back." He deposited my watch into my hands, and turned to walk away.

"Hey wait! This is like, Destiny. You're already close, you should come over to mine," I offered, smiling. He hesitated. "I have food and Oikawa's at "Iwa-chan's" I threw out the incentive, and he simply nodded. I started walking to my apartment and he fell into step next to me.

On the way to my apartment, he said, "Isn't it interesting?" I turned to him and almost bumped into a mean-eyed stranger.

"What do you mean?" I asked, trying to look at him while talking and still simultaneously manage to stay right-footed. It's harder than someone might think that it actually is.

"The sky," Kenma was silent for a few moments before re-iterating his sentence. "I mean, it's almost muted. I think it's better this way though, it almost puts the world through a filter and makes every other color more vibrant, more intense." I was surprised at this much talking. Kenma isn't necessarily a recluse, there just aren't that many things out there that really make him talk freely.

I glanced up at the sky. Oh right, it looked like it was about to rain. That was what had provoked all this conversation, it made sense know. I just remembered how much more alive rain can make Kenma. Like he's dry watercolors, and when you add water he paints a landscape to remember.

And when I looked at everything, the world in front of me and around me, I had to agree with what he had put to reward. It looks like the rain can bring out the best, most vibrant things from most everything, not just my Kitten.

We got to my apartment building and I opened the door for him. "Well . . . Yeah. I guess you're right." He walks through, and I follow him up to my apartment. A bit different from the first time he came over to this apartment.

We talk a bit when we go up the stairs (Which Kenma only agrees to go on once I saw that there are always people in the elevator) and I can't help but remember other times at my apartment. When we played underneath the stars, and I got to confess to him, at least, sort of. A bit.

I remember him in this apartment that were walking to, when I realise it. I remember him here. I used to only remember our old times, those were the memories to hold on to. But now . . . I'm making new memories with him, aren't I? I smile as we walk into my apartment and he comments on the mess.

I have a resolution.

()()()()()()()()()()

"Thank you," he replies when I hand him a cup of tea. For me, I made coffee. I'm more of a coffee person than a tea person, if I'm being honest. Kenma is the exact opposite, he doesn't like coffee as much because he complains it can be too bitter and it yellows his teeth.

I some at him, and sit near him. He's perched near my window in my room, gazing out at the rainy day. I notice his sweater, and how unfair it is that he looks super cute. Like, why? Why must you do this to me, Kenma? It's hard enough not to kiss you on a regular day, and you just have to be extra cute today? And be adorably excited about the rain?

Once again, not fucking fair.

He pauses his fascination to look at me a second, and I feel like an arrow just went through my heart. There's Kenma, not even a metre away, looking cute as fuck and looking up at me like I just gave him the world, or like I was the reason the sky was raining down. He doesn't even talk, just smiles softly at me for a second, before his gaze hits something in my room.

I turn to look at it. Oh, that's what he's looking at. I look back, and he looks happy for me. "You finally got it," he says. His voice is soft simply because I don't think he feels even the slightest need to be loud. He knows I'll hear him. He knows I'll be listening.

"Can you play for it me?" He asks. "For old times sake?" I smile at him.

"Of course."

()()()()()()()()()()

I have a resolution.

Sure, keep the old memories. Keep them and treasure them, and don't let anyone steal them away.

But don't let them stop me.

Learn more.

Explore.

Make new memories.

 


	13. If I Said I'd Miss You, Would You Play For Me Like Before?

An interesting little tidbit about Kuroo is that he isn't entirely a knucklehead. I know, I know, what a surprise, but he's really not. When we were kids he would read my stupid little stories I wrote and be a pretend editor, and he's actually pretty smart.

He likes English Poetry, and sometimes watches documentaries for the joy of learning new things. He never would have been such a success at America if he hadn't practiced his ass of becoming fluent in the fickle language. He knows a crazy amount of random knowledge about the world as well. He's incredible.

And he has a way of playing the piano that makes the world spin and the notes come to life.

()()()()()()()()()()

_"One day," Kuroo started. We were both in his room, sitting side by side on the bench to his keyboard. His hands were poised above the keys, and I could've sworn he was about to play, but instead he spoke. "One day," he said again, "I'm going to get a real piano. And I'm going to play this for you, when I do."_

_With that, he practically took off. His hands were shaky at first, but then they found the rhythm, no, rediscovered the rhythm, and an enchanting melody overtook the silence between his words. I remembered how his fingers felt against my skin whenever he would hold me, and I wondered how they could go from gentle feather light to traversing keys with the speed and skill only practice can sharpen._

_"How long has he been practicing this to play for me?" I thought._

_By the time the piece was over, I was looking up at him and I'm sure stars were decorating my eyes and shooting their beams up at him. I didn't notice how close exactly we were until he turned and looked down at me, and our faces were suddenly centimetres apart. His eyes widened a little bit, I suppose he was suddenly aware as well._

_There's a few moments in life that go completely crystal clear, even before you know they'll be an important memory. Like your subconscious somehow knows, and is preparing you and the memory to be premium quality in all respects it can manage._

_Suddenly, I was aware of how his hand had risen from the piano to very faintly cup my cheek, while I simultaneously noticed that, huh, there's a strand if hair in front of his face, and oh my fuck is he moving closer, no, that can't be, and his eyes are still wide but they aren't full if surprise or nerves, it's simething deeper, something else-_

_His bedroom door opened, and his hand cupping my cheek was gone in a flash and it was back on the piano, playing a tiny, sweet melody and saying, "isn't this the theme tune for that one show you really like?" And his mom poked her head in to say she was going out and for Kuro to feed me because she couldn't make a dinner._

_All I could feel was one, overwhelming feeling._

_Disappointment._

_But it's not like he was going to kiss me in the first place, so who cared?_

_(Certainly not me.)_

_(Why should I have cared?)_

_(No, I definitely didn't.)_

_(I swear.)_

()()()()()()()()()()

I like to believe that people are wrong in a lot of different respects. In fact, people are commonly wrong more often than they are right, and anyone who denies that is denying what my opinion believes to be a simple truth. Unchangeable.

Also, really just a simple opinion. You get to choose how to take it, how to interpret it.

One thing I think people are wrong about a lot is a person's character. So many people tend to believe that just one aspect of a person defines their entire nature. For example, when people say that people with tattoos are immediately bad, or stupid, or some other negative thing.

It's one aspect of them. One side of the infinite sided dice. You can't judge someone from a first impression, and you most certainly can't truly judge someone based off of one aspect, one tiny detail of them. That's like saying that lapis lazuli and sapphire are the same because they are both blue. Or because they can both be considered previous substances.

But anyone with a few brain cells and the willingness to use them knows that they are most certainly not the same thing. Maybe they are similar enough to some people to be considered synonymous, but even that is just simply similar, not the an exact replica.

Too many people consider jocks like Kuro to be brainless, and people like Hinata to be happy all the fucking time, and people like Oikawa to only care about looks bad physical abilities. Too many people believe me to be stuck up, and too many people have too big of heads for their tiny spine to at all steadily support.

People cannot judge others so fast, off of one simple aspect, or off of stupid, ridiculous first impressions.

That's important.

()()()()()()()()()()

"Can you play it for me?" I ask. "For old times sake?" He smiles at me.

"Of course."

()()()()()()()()()()

_And I was crying so hard I could hardly see, but I managed to crawl through his window anyway. He wasn't awake, and when I saw how peaceful he looked with the moonlight illuminating his face, I couldn't help but wonder if I should leave him alone. If I should've just stopped being a stupid burden on him already._

_But then a sob escaped from my mouth against my wishes, and he woke up. He always was a more or less light sleeper, even though he tried to deny it. He looked confused for a moment, before his features softened. "Kenma?" He asked._

_I just nodded. I couldn't trust myself not to make some obscene choking noise or loud sob if I opened my mouth. He looked at me with sleep early eyes as I stood and waited. Then he moved over on his futon. "Are you coming over or what?"_

_I let out a little sigh of relief and joined him in his futon, curling up next to him and stealing his warmth. His hand goes to my back, steadily stroking me and gently calming me dine as my sobs progressed to a hiccup-sounding little pathetic thing._

_"Your dad again?" He asked. I didn't reply verbally, just nodded again. He sighed. "One day soon, I hope you're free of him." I don't reply at all, unless you count holding on to him tighter._

_I fell asleep with him that night, and I woke up with a crusty face due to all my tears, but a smiling Kuro._

_And somehow, I managed to be almost happy._

_"Can you play it for me?" I asked him. He seemed confused for a few seconds, before realization crossed his face and he nodded at me and smiled._

_"Of course."_

()()()()()()()()()()

I cross the room to join him on the piano bench, shaking the memory away. I slide next to him, not minding enough to keep space between our legs. He inhales sharply, and I try not to take it the wrong way. I know he doesn't hate me.

As scary as the thought is, Kuro may just love me back.

I think I'm ready to take a chance. I think we're both ready. Maybe it's just the rain talking, or the way Kuro relaxes and rests his fingers on the keys, but I think we're on a precipice. There's a few options. I could walk away, I could try to jump to the other side, or I could fall.

I think I'm just going to jump in headfirst.

(God, the rain makes me really reckless.)

Before he starts playing, he looks at me. "Um . . . I haven't played this for anyone else. Not on this, or the keyboard. I just . . . Wanted you to know." Huh. Just for me? That makes me feel kind of . . . Warm. I blink up at him, and let him see a small smile.

"Well? What are you waiting for? Weren't you going to play it for me?"

A wry smile. A small lift of the head. A hard to read look in his eyes.

It's a good thing I know exactly how to read him by now.

"Of course."

()()()()()()()()()()

You can't judge someone off of a first glance, yes. But you can judge someone after knowing them. After experiencing their pain and their hopes. After seeing a surplus of their small, intricate, important little aspects and habits.

Not after a first impression, but not never.

()()()()()()()()()()

_Don't you dare, I thought. Don't you even . . ._

_He did. A few days before leaving, he sits me down at his piano bench. "Kenma . . ." He trailed off of his sentence._

_"What?" I didn't mean for it to come out harsh, but it did._

_Furrowed eyebrows. "I . . . Nothing. Never mind." A closed door before I can call out._

_He's gone. Forever?_

_Who knows?_

()()()()()()()()()()

When his hands gently push down the keys, I have to fight off an onslaught of emotions and memories that are attempting to take over me. To steal my last few shreds of self control. This melody . . . Oh god. I didn't even realize how much I missed it. Or did I? I don't know anymore. Everything gets kind of confusing around Kuro sometimes, and it's hard to think straight, both in a figurative way and in a very literal way.

(I'm hilarious. Fucking laugh.)

I hear myself exhale a bit loudly, and I realize I've been holding my breath since he first started playing just now. He weaves together a rhythm, the harmony so complimentary and the notes each singing out perfectly and pure. I can almost taste the song, and I feel like writing. I feel like grabbing a notebook and filling up all of the pages, all of the space with thoughts and feelings and ways to reach through pages and ink into someone's heart the same way this song and Kuro are currently reaching into my own.

I don't know what my face looks like, but I probably have a stupid expression on my face that Kuro will love because he enjoys seeing me unguarded and he knows how hard it is to let down every wall. Who would've known that a few keys being pressed in the right order could do what several other people failed so spectacularly and greatly at.

Or perhaps it's a combination of the notes of this song and the person sending them to me.

(I'm getting way to poetic for my own good at the moment.)

I know exactly how this song goes. Sure, it's been awhile since he played it for me, bit I've listened to him play it so many times that I have the entire thing memorized. I know which notes are going to be played next, I know how long approximately till the end of the song, and I'm just hanging on until I can hear that one part that gets me every single time . . .

Oh. There it is. The note passes like a wave and I just want to relive the way Kuro glanced my way because he knows it's my favorite part of the song, the smug little suit. Or big shit. I don't really know what I'm talking about at this very minute, sorry.

There's something kind of hazy about hearing your favorite song. It's like you're suddenly shielded from the world, from reality and all its cruelty, and you're protected with strong arms and a sheen of most over your eyes and everything else.

Or like snowfall. Everything is muffled and beautiful and you are a bystander on a winter embrace from the sky. Every snowflake in your hair or on the ground is another note, another piece of long-awaited peace falling in place, for at least a little, precious while.  Y'know?

()()()()()()()()()()

_"How long did it take to learn this?"_

_"Eh. A little while. It was worth it though, Kitten."_

_"I. . . Like it. Thank you, Kuro."_

_"Of course."_

()()()()()()()()()()

The last note echoes with a hint of finality and just a slice of nostalgia. Just a little bit. I look up at him as his fingers slide off of the keys to rest only millimeters away from my own hands. I think my face must be really open and easy to read, because he doesn't even seem to be nervous when he starts to lean towards me a bit.

(Is that supposed to be subtle? Step up your game, Kuro.)

(Just kidding. Please, never change.)

I take the step to move my fingers closer to his, and he takes that as an invitation to cup one cheek and grab the other hand. Why aren't we moving further? I don't know. Maybe we are. It's a bit hard to tell with time moving like molasses and the world too sharp but too fuzzy all at once.

It's a psychedelic, overwhelming feeling.

()()()()()()()()()()

Words can be so annoying. They can slip out wrong, against people's wills, be weapons and curses, and ruin something incredible and worth saving with only a few sounds arranged in a certain order. Sure, words can be amazing too, but a lot of times they shatter silence that should've stayed intact.

Sometimes they slide smoothly into the space of silence, so I suppose that is a somewhat redeeming quality.

()()()()()()()()()()

"I know I sound like an idiot for asking this," the words slide from my lips in the shape of a whisper, and I'm immensely grateful that they don't shatter what should be preserved and appreciated. Oh god, he's so close. Soo close. "what's the name of that song?"

He smiles, and I am close enough to see the little dimple that goes unnoticed sometimes. His lips are only a millimeter away, and his word is practically not there with how soft it flits away.

"Sunset."

And I think this is it, I don't know if our previous levels of closeness ever really prepared me for this, and why haven't his lips touched mine yet why is he still hesitating isn't it obvious that I'm not going to push him away just kiss me already you idiot-

"Iwa-chan!"

It's with that that we both pull back hurriedly without ever our lips ever even touching.

"Are you sure Kuroo isn't here? The lights are on- mph!" Ew. I did not need to hear that.

"Come on, I told you, he's not here, we can do _whatever-"_

 _"Oikawa Tooru, you bastard, I am very much here!"_ Kuroo yells.

Oh well. I suppose that chance, that silence, has been shattered.

I'm not even going to look at the pieces, because even that might shred my cold skin.


	14. If I Said I'd Miss You, Would You Miss Me?

So close.

We were so, so close.

Sometimes I really genuinely hate Oikawa fucking Tooru.

After he interrupted what could have been . . . .what could have been something, Kenma left, claiming he was expecting a call from his editor. And of course I let him go. I know how much his book means to him. I've read some bits and pieces, and I can't even really wrap my head around how exceptionally good at writing Kenma is. He weaves themes together and little moments to create something utterly beautiful, and really helps show why literature is considered art.

I can't believe it's been this long. An entire two months since I bumped into Kenma on the street. Well, more or less two months. I could be off by a few days or so. Still, I can't really believe it's been so long yet so short. It's been so short in comparison with all our childhood years together, or even our time apart, but it feels like so long in the fact that each second with him is forever.

I'm such a sap, just kill me please.

It also feels like so long in the way that I feel I should've made a move by now. I was obviously about to before Oikawa was being an idiot, but I really should have done it before then. It's scary, because I've already lost Kenma once and I never want to again, but I also know that the more time I let go by is one more second in which he could bump into some stranger with a poetic past and a beautifully crafted personality. A stranger who may just become less strange and steal away my Kitten forever.

So yeah. I should've definitely made a move by now.

Kenma left only  . . . What? Six hours ago? Yeah that sounds about right. Kenma only left about six hours ago, and I still haven't stopped thinking about him. About that moment on my piano bench, what would've happened if I had just manned up and kissed him while I had the chance to. No, instead I had to hesitate and let Oikawa ruin my moment. Ugh.

I can still remember it so clearly. His eyes were searching mine, like he was hoping to find something there that maybe he had overlooked before. Or like he was maybe like he was just seeing me in a different light, and exploring every inch and crevice he could with his eyes while he had the time and the ability. He . . . I know I'm not hallucinating. He . . . Wouldn't have pushed me away, now would he?

I lay down with that thought weighing on my mind.

Kenma, well . . . He wasn't going to push me away.

I almost kissed Kenma.

He would've kissed me back.

()()()()()()()()()()

Kenma is many things. A coin, if we're speaking in a figurative sense. The funny thing about a coin, is that most people think it only has two sides. But they're wrong. Because there is the small edge of the coin, and it is circularly shaped, meaning that the coin really has many, many sides. And I think the same goes for Kenma.

When some people first meet him, they find out two or three things about him and then they just usually start assuming other stuff. Oh, you're quiet? Probably a pushover. Or things like, You're short? Obviously pretty weak, not worth having on the Volleyball team.

Yeah, he's a little short. Yeah, he can be quiet. But he sure as hell isn't a pushover, and definitely isn't weak, much less a burden on any one.

So, many people assume that his nature is more like that of the rain he loves so much. (Even though some people don't know about his joy in the rain, the comparison is still made every once in some while.) But what most people don't know and hardly any take the time to find out, is that Kenma is not as simple as a gentle, light rain

He's a monsoon. He's both the calm that occurs before the storm and the very storm itself. At first it's a bit of a scary slow, but then he's everywhere. _Oh, I remember waking by that building after practice every day with Kenma. Look, it's the street corner that a stray cat bit me and Kenma laughed.  Kenma, Kenma, Kenma._

And you're fucking drenched before you even realize a storm rolled right in.

()()()()()()()()()()

"Kuroo? Um, why are you here?"

I look down at Kenma and catch my breath as the last few minutes rush back into my memory, the senses and adrenaline still sharp. I don't really know what could have triggered it sudden action but a pitying glance from Oikawa. Suddenly I was running down streets and getting hella tired but running up stairs regardless and knocking.

I know I'm breathless and it's all rushing through my ears and kinda making everything dazy, but the sight of Kenma clears things up and sharpens the dull edges of my eyesight.

Why did I come here again?

Oh right.

So I could finally stop running. I've realized, after all this time, that that's what I was always doing. I ran from Kenma in high school by surrounding myself with girlfriends and telling myself I would never, ever have a chance with my amazing kitten.

Then I ran off to America. I ran so far I dated Tsukishima, I ran to the point of exhaustion but never stopped to question a thing, well, not really. Then, I was reunited by some crazy force of Destiny or something strange like that, and suddenly Kenma is a part of my world again

And then I run more. I run towards him, but then past him. I run and run and run, but I think I've finally ran to the right place, which is right in front of Kenma, nothing but a meter of space between us. As I catch my breath, I notice him smile very slightly.

"Come on in," he ushers me, and walk in past him. I'm still kind of tired out, and he asks if I want some tea or coffee or something. I  accept, asking for some coffee if he wouldn't mind, as I let myself sit down on one of his chairs. He stays by the door for a second, before sitting in a chair near mine. As my energy returns, I smile my lopsided, crazy smile at him.

Maybe I am crazy. Or maybe I'm just an idiot. I don't really have a plan, just an intense desire to finally do something about the crazy feeling a I've suppressed and kept under the surface for far, far too long. I just hope I don't let them out in a bad way.

He gives me time to recover from what he doesn't know was a crazy, frantic, long run. I have to give him credit for not even asking why it is that I'm here, or why I'm wheezing ever so slightly, or why I can't stop smiling a bit loopily at him. He doesn't even ask why I'm at his place in the middle of the night. He just sits there and waits for me.

Maybe that's what he's been doing this whole time.

I suppose sometimes a monsoon will wait for you.

"Kenma," I start when I've regained my energy and a bit of my adrenaline. He raises an eyebrow ever so slightly.

"Are you going to tell me what brought all this," he gestures to my whole body and I can't help but love the slight teasing hiding inside of his tone, "about?" I soften my grin. Oh Kenma.

"Yeah," I scratch the back of my head low-key, and shrug a little bit. "I guess I just needed to talk to you."

Now he looks confused. A streak of an emotion I can't really decider crosses his face, and he winces a little bit. Then, he speaks in a voice surprisingly hesitant. "Is this about what happened the other day? With your piano? Because . . . " he trails off. Maybe he didn't ever expect me to address that. Or maybe he did, his head is just overflowing with things he could say but none seem quite right.

That's just a simple guess though.

I shake my head. "Not really. Well, kind of . . . I guess. I mean, it's sorta connected, but I actually came over be cause, well, I . . ." I shrug helplessly, though I'm comforted by the small but of relief that appears, if very briefly, on his face. I shrug helplessly, and laugh a bit awkwardly.

"Sorry, I really can't talk. I mean, I know what I want to say up here," I tap my head gently with my index finger, and smile a small little affair of slightly upturned lips. "But it won't- it won't go into words right, you know?" He's looking at me that way again.

Like I'm the only person in the world. Like I'm everything, like it's actually me who supports life on earth not the sun. Like I just handed him the world tied up real pretty in a red bow. Like I just told him the best news, and like I'm somehow someone to him, someone to the whole entire world.

(Which is crazy, because that would be him, not me.)

"Yeah," he all but whispers, "I know exactly what you mean." And it's all I can do to not throw caution out the window and kiss him senseless.

The kettle starts whistling, and he jolts up. "Better go get that," a small flash of upturned lips and bright eyes before he's gone.

I try to fight the wave of disappointment washing over me and seeping into me by standing up as well, and walking over to where he's getting a coffee mug. A few more moments, and I'm holding a steaming mug of coffee in my hands, and we're both standing near his counter.

Why is it so hard to make a move? Why can't I just forget the coffee and kiss him, push him against the wall and really feel him? Because he might . . . Because he might not want to feel me.

Kenma has been my best friend for a ridiculously long time. We've been together through hardship, through laughs, through crying and through crazy friends. And I don't want to ruin that.

But if I don't take a chance, I'm always going to regret it.

Kenma's voice snaps me out of my thinking. "Kuroo, are you even going to drink that? You haven't even had one sip yet." His tone isn't harsh though, just slightly lilting and teasing mixed with a small amount of concern.

"Yeah, I just . . . Don't want to burn my tongue. I'll wait for it to get cooler." I set the mug down on his counter (noting and appreciating the cat on it) and smile. Truth be told, I don't really care about burning my tongue all that much, I just don't want him to see how much my hands are shaking.

He raises his right eyebrow, but doesn't question me any further on that particular topic. I'm not exactly prepared when he poses the question, "So have you figured out how to tell me what you wanted to say yet?" I nearly choke.

And I do the stupid thing. The thing that almost always ends in disaster.

I decided to 'wing it.'

"Well . . . I think you should know that I've kept something from you. For a long, long time." A shot of understanding glances across his eyes, and he nods.

"Even before the five year long incident?"

"Yeah."

"Hmm."

I don't really know what that means, but I continue anyway. "So-the thing is . . .um, I kinda? Like, well . . . Um." The words die inside my throat when faced with his suddenly fierce and surprising gaze. He shakes his head at me, almost laughing.

"You're such an idiot," he says softly.

Not the response I was expecting. Not really the one I was hoping for either. One word escapes my mouth.

"What."

He approaches me, and I can see slight nerves in the way he's standing and his fingers are ever so slightly trembling, but he continues till be reaches me anyway. His chest bumps mine, and I'm frozen in shock. He grabs my collar and pulls me down to face him.

"Just kiss me already, you moron."

()()()()()()()()()()

And with that, Kenma pulled me, a fully willing participant, into his monsoon.

And I wouldn't change a thing.

 


	15. If I Said I'd Miss You, Would You Stay?

It's with a hazy feeling and a warm, comfortable sensation that I wake up. What's this warmth surrounding me? It's so nice . . . And warm . . . And oh my fuck am I in Kuro's arms? I open my eyes right as my memories of last night rush into my head in a fiery, full force utter wave.

Oh . . . Oh. I can feel myself blushing ever so slightly, and I carefully sit up so as to not wake up Kuro. Heh, his hair us an even bigger mess right now than it ever is.

Sex hair.

I can feel my blushing just increase at the thought, but that's what it is. I let myself indulge, remembering the moment that I decided to just kiss that fucking idiot already, and how . . . Erm . . . Enthusiastic he was with his response. Kissing Kuro is like dropping a lighting a stick of dynamite with a short fuse, it's only going to burn quietly for a very short while till it explodes.

I press my fingers lightly on my lips as I continue looking at Kuro. He's so peaceful when he's sleeping, which is an image that clashes very much so against the ones that my memory had kept from last night. Let me just say, I knew Kuro probably wasn't all talk about what was going on down there, but holy shit, he was never actually ever joking. Not even a little bit.

I glance around my room, and I'm happy that we didn't knock anything off my shelves or break something. Everything just got clouded with lust and heat and thought, or coherent thought at least, flew right out the window. Not that I regret a single bit of it at all. I think it may be a good thing I wasn't a virgin before last night, because my ass would be much, much more sore after getting  . . . That in there somehow.

Still, the ache is quite annoyingly prominent. Not that I care that much anyway, though.

I let out a little sigh, and Kay back down. I can feel something rising up within me. I don't really know why, but I open my mouth, and in a small but confident voice I start talking.

"I never did say why it is I ignored you for all those years. I mean, it was completely uncalled for. What kind of a best friend just ignores the other for an entire literal five years? But I . . . I did have a reason, as stupid as it was." I let out a little puff of a breath that I guess could be considered a slight sigh. Am I really doing this? Eh, I guess so. He's not even awake, so it's not like it matters.

Still, I want to voice this.

"It . . . It was really all my own problems. I know you would've wanted me to talk to you about it even then, but that was the whole problem. You would've been all too happy to help me through my problems even if it meant neglecting yours, and to the very core of myself, I felt not worth it at all." It actually feels good, getting it off my chest. Even if he can't hear me, it's nice to let the words crack across empty air.

"That really was it. I mean, I felt like with every word I spoke to you, I was dragging you down and away from the bright future you were bound to have. And even though it broke me to the center and cracked me all over, I tried to stop talking to you." I let out a little chuckle at remembering the way he reacted.

"That didn't work though, now did it? And I thought . . . Well, I thought I was protecting you from me. I thought I was the dark cloud destroying your beautiful blue sky, and I couldn't live with myself. So, I blocked you." I feel my shoulders slump. "I was so, so certain that I was doing the right thing for you. That you didn't deserve to be weighted down by someone as  . . . Someone like me."

I let myself smile a little bit. "Of course, I was absolutely sure you were straight, and the fact that I had the biggest crush on you and was high-key in love with you may have contributed to me feeling like shit about what I thought was unfair to you. You didn't want a friend who just wanted to get in your pants or wanted you to love them the way they love you. Or, that's what I thought."

Flashbacks to last night. Him breathing heavily, and choking out, "I fucking love you, kitten. So, so much." And everything feeling so good, and oh . . . Oh. Gotta keep away the dirty thoughts.

"Maybe you've loved me for as long as I loved you, I don't know. But I suppose, there you have it. The entire five years that was wasted, well . . . That was me thinking I was destroying your life and trying to protect you, but I guess that was just counterproductive in the long run, because here we are now, and I certainly am not letting you leave me again." I make that playful little quip with a teasing lilt, knowing he's fully asleep and hasn't heard a single word.

Or, at least that's what I had thought.

"Um, Kenma?"

Shittedy fuking hellity oh Shite.

()()()()()()()()()()

I've noticed something over my years on the earth. Humans are so obsessed with perfection, and to be quite honest it's actually very ridiculous. People like to rant and rave about their perfect person, all the qualities, but almost all of the things that they list are actually imperfections, and people still treat them like gold. And there is nothing wrong with that, it's simply a rather contradictory thing that people will sometimes do unthinking.

And I think there's actually a quiet beauty in that. Oh, us humans. It's hard to believe I can hate you and love you at the same time. We Chase the uncatchable, and we convince ourselves of the unimaginable and the unbelievable. Everyone believes in some impossibility or another, and for many people that small, beautiful little impossibility is the illusion of perfection.

Of course, we want to believe it exists. How could we not? I mean, the idea if perfection is so unattainable, but just barely in our view. It's a kind of temptation to try, and it tricks us like a mirage, it makes us foolishly believe that it was ever really in our grasp. It never was, obviously, but that doesn't mean that for a second you can't let yourself believe.

And like a magnificent author once said, sometimes forever is just one second.

I'm perfectly alright with the knowledge that Kuro is far from perfect. He can be annoying, lewd, crass, judgemental, and get angry for no good reason. He has a million other characteristics, and each and every one of them are imperfect. However, that does nothing to lessen their beauty.

Sure, I know it's not perfect when he gets a droplet of coffee stuck on his lip or a whipped cream mustache, but it's adorable and memorable and I wouldn't have it any other way. The times he beat up bullies to protect me, well, that obviously wasn't a perfect or ideal thing, but I'm still ridiculously grateful for him and all the things he's done for me.

So yeah. He is nowhere even close to being perfect, but that's the whole point.

And honestly, perfection is wildly overrated.

()()()()()()()()()()

"Um, Kenma?"

I freeze.

"K-Kuro?" I respond. He sighs a little bit.

"Did . . . did you really mean that?" He asks somewhat hesitantly. I don't want to speak, plus I don't trust my voice to not be the epitome of a shaky mess, so I simply nod. No use lying to him. I guess he wasn't as asleep as I had previously thought he actually was. Ugh, just fuck my life.

"Oh." He says. Then, "I - I don't really understand."

That . . . Wasn't what I was expecting him. I turn my head that was resting in his chest but now is tilted towards him and pat his arm once. "It's alright, Kuro. I'm over it now." I say simply. I'm still reeling inwardly a bit on the fact that he wasn't asleep for that and was actually listening intently. God, why did I have to open my big fat stupid mouth?

"It's okay," I say, hoping he'll just drop it. Maybe he's going to notice that I actually don't want to talk about this? That I never thought that he was awake and listening to all my rambling about nonsense and all my own awful faults.

"No." His voice is firm, contrasting to the confused voice of before. "Kenma- you need to hear this. Because I hear you, and now you need to hear me, okay?"

I look up at him through my lashes and my bedhead that more or less matches his own. He's . . . Not making me that uncomfortable. I need to remember, he's here for me. Always. I open my mouth to answer.

"Okay."

()()()()()()()()()()

So, maybe I'm not exactly ready to sing what I feel from mountaintops, or to write poetry about Kuro's eyes.

Maybe I'm not the perfect person for him at all.

And maybe, just maybe, I've finally stopped caring and am ready to let Kuro decide whether or not I'm negatively affecting his life.

Because he's the whole reason, in a way.

And that makes what he feels the most important.

(More important than my own insecurities, that's definitely for sure.)

()()()()()()()()()()

"Kenma . . . I don't know how you somehow don't know, but you're the most important person to me. You make my life better on a level you probably can't even imagine. I mean, really Kenma, you mean . . . So, so much to me. And the fact you honestly thought I was being held back by you?" He chuckles lightly, and I hope he actually does feel a little bit of mirth and isn't just laughing to ease my frantic and crazed nerves.

"It's ridiculous Kenma. I know you said that it isn't something that plagues you anymore, but I just feel like you should know . . . " he hesitates, and he starts low-key petting my hair. Perhaps he would use the word stroking. Maybe I'm just a little, tiny itsy small bit weird.

His voice is low when he continues, "you mean everything to mean. You always have. I f ing it hard to wrap my head around that you genuinely could actually believe that anything you did was negatively affecting my life. Kenma . . . Oh, you silly kitten. "

"Excuse you." Is my response, not wanting to address what he said concerning what I had told him about my reasoning behind cutting him out if my life so abruptly. He laughs, and it's wonderful to hear that sound. To hear us in it.

Because Kuro's laugh is a beautiful thing. It's deep and throaty. It's a little bit scratchy and it makes you kind of want to walk up to him or at least be in his vicinity and smile. It gives you that contiguous happiness feeling. His laugh has stayed the same since we were just two little kids, growing up and making mistakes together. It means more to me than a picture of us, and it makes me smile in a different way than I ever do.

"Still, you know that, right?" He asks me, returning us to the semi-serious atmosphere that had previously been reigning over our morning. I nod, knowing I'm probably making my bedhead worse because by he process of nodding I'm rubbing my head on him, but I don't honestly really care about that at this moment, not even a little bit.

"Yeah." My response is short and soft. I think he gets the message. We don't need to elaborate any further about this, we don't need to spend this morning going over things that aren't necessarily very pleasant. No, we don't need to do that right now.

We have forever to talk about it, after all.

Kuro yawns. "Hey Kitten?" I'm blushing. Why does that nickname still make me blush? It's embarrassing. I don't like it.

(Okay maybe I like it a little bit.)

"Yeah?"

"Do you want breakfast?"

" . . . I thought you'd never ask."

()()()()()()()()()()

Kuro's a little shit. All because he noticed how hard it is for me to be comfortable on this stool due to how sore my ass is, and now he's just smirking at me and giving me 'the look'. After a few more minutes of him turning around from making breakfast (some American thing he learned and wants to show off) to smirk in my direction, I say, "Fuck off, Kuro."

He laughs and brings the finished breakfast over. One plate for him and one for me, I start eating. It's actually really good. Halfway through us eating and making idle chatter, however, Kuro's phone rings. He looks at it and sighs.

"It's a guy from work in America. He usually just calls to see if I've seen a new internet meme or something. He can go to voicemail." I just shrug it off as the dial sound stops, then a voice starts talking on the voicemail. I can pick up bits and pieces of the English."

"Hey Tetsurou! You . . . Opportunity . . . Return to America . . . Raise . . . Looking forward to seeing you!" At the end if the message I feel my heart drop and my eyes blur.

"Kenma-" Kuro starts, but I interrupt him.

"Kuro . . .  I'm not going to force you to stay. I know you loved America. It would be a raise, and I wouldn't blame you if you took this chance, this opportunity." My voice slowly and steadily got softer and more sounded sounding, but I carried through.

All is quiet till Kuro stands up and then gently pulls my by my wrist so that I'm up too. He tilts my face to his and kisses my eyelids, my cheeks, my chin, my forehead, and, finally, my lips as well. "Oh kitten." He finally whispers, his voice almost playful. He pulls away, and shakes his head with a light smile.

"Kenma, did you not hear me just an hour ago? I'm not abandoning you, and I'm not letting distance come between us. Sure, I loved America for my time there, but you know what?" He steps close to me again, caressing my cheek lightly with his thumb.

"Fuck America. I'd pass up that raise any day if I could spend just another day with you." My breath catches.

" . . . Kuro, you disgusting sap."

"Hey!" His voice isn't offended though. I can tell he's about to say something, but before he can speak I rush out hurried words.

"If I said I'd miss you, would you stay?" I think he can tell I'm not just talking about the present. If all those years ago I had told him to stay with me, to not leave me alone without him, would he have left? Or . . . Would he stay?

The teasing look takes over his face again, and I can't help but notice the eye booger he currently has, the bedhead that's actually still just sex hair, and the small pimple hiding on the side of his nose. And God, I swear he's the most beautiful human I have ever seen.

"Kenma, if you said you'd miss me, and you were okay with it," he smiles and interlaces our fingers.

"I swear, Kenma, I'd never leave."

 


End file.
